WARNING: This post contains sexual content and may be viewed by some as offensive. And worse, there are some bad puns. If raunchy material concerns you, we’ll see you tomorrow. Have a great day. My guess is you’re going to read this post BECAUSE of the disclaimer. Performance artist Casey Jenkins of Melbourne, Australia has been knitting a scarf from a ball of yarn inserted in her vagina. I kid you not. Here’s a video (not for the squeamish): Yes, the art world needs this. Now you might not think there’s a practical purpose for this rather unique, er… skill, but I beg to differ. This is just the kind of product I’d like to see on SHARK TANK. So join Casey as she pitches Mark Cuban, Barbara Corcoran, Kevin O’Leary, Lori Greiner, and Robert Herjavec. INT. SHARK TANK – NIGHT
ANNOUNCER: Now entering the Shark Tank, a young woman with the birth of a new idea.
Casey Jenkins enters the room and addresses the group.
CASEY: Hi, Sharks. My name is Casey Jenkins and I’m the founder and CEO of “Fruit of the Womb” scarves and I’m asking for $250,000 for 10% of my company. Who wants cheap mass produced scarves when you can have knitted fabric that truly comes out of a human being? There are no costly machines. No sky-high electric bills. Each scarf is hand-knitted from yarn that is stored in a woman’s vagina. So which Shark is going to snatch this opportunity?
The Sharks give their customary patronizing chuckle.
KEVIN: Do you have a factory?
CASEY: No, at the moment it’s just me.
KEVIN: As an investor am I allowed to inspect the process.
CASEY: Not for 10%.
BARBARA: This is insane.
MARK: Do you have any licensing deals with sports teams?
CASEY: There’s a university in Oregon that has inquired.
LORI: How did this business come about, Casey?
CASEY: I have a cat, and often times he would jump on the table and unravel the yarn, so I needed a place to hide it.
KEVIN: Y’know, that’s usually the first place boys think to look.
BARBARA: I can’t believe this.
ROBERT: Is there anything proprietary about your vagina?
BARBARA: Seriously. What is going on here?
CASEY: We do have some design patents pending.
KEVIN: Can I inspect the drawings?
BARBARA: Kevin! Jesus!
LORI: How many of these have you sold?
CASEY: In the last six months – four.
ROBERT: Why so few?
CASEY: I sometimes forget to remove the ball of wool before taking bathroom breaks.
BARBARA: Kill me now, God. Please kill me!
KEVIN: Is there a way a person could double the production? If there was a place to say, store a second ball of wool?
BARBARA: Kevin, that is gross, disgusting, and highly uncalled for!
KEVIN: All I care about is making money.
BARBARA: Dear God!
MARK: What are sales like?
CASEY: I’ve sold three.
MARK: On line?
CASEY: No. I sold one to a man in a raincoat, and the rest is from word-of-mouth.
LORI: Have you approached the Big Box stores with this? I would think this is a big box item.
CASEY: No.
MARK: You really muffed that.
KEVIN: Could Robert and I both go in on your vagina?
BARBARA: Can we stop the tape?
LORI: What do you need the money for, Casey?
CASEY: I’d like to expand my business. Get a few more knitters. Make ski sweaters.
MARK: Casey, I usually buy technological products. And you haven’t convinced me that you can make smart phones out of your vagina so for that reason, I’m out.
CASEY: Okay. Sorry to hear that. The Mavericks suck, by the way.
ROBERT: My father was an immigrant and did all kinds of menial labor when he first got to this country. He worked 16 hours a day to support his family. Give me a second to cry. Another second for Lori to cry. (beat) Okay. The point is I buy into any company that offers employment opportunities similar to what my father did, and since he never knitted out of any orifice, I’m afraid I’m out.
CASEY: Fine. You might want to touch up the dye job on that hair.
MARK: Lori?
LORI: Well, like most women, I’ve stored yarn in my vagina but I sometimes forget that it's there, so I’m out.
BARBARA: I’ve never done that. Why would a woman do that?
LORI: I don’t always have pockets.
KEVIN: I’ll make you an offer. I’ll get in bed with you.
BARBARA: This can’t be happening.
KEVIN: I’ll give you the $250,000 but I want 80%, a $2.00 royalty on every item in perpetuity, your house, any inheritance you may receive for the next fifty years, and your cat. Oh, and you have to renounce your Australian citizenship and admit that Nicole Kidman was miscast as Grace of Monaco.
CASEY: Can I think about it?
BARBARA: That’s it! This is over.
Barbara springs out of her chair, grabs Casey by the hair, and begins dragging her out of the room.
CASEY: Hey, what are you doing? Aaaaaaa!
KEVIN: (calling out) You can give me your answer tonight over dinner!
CUT TO COMMERCIAL (FOR MY BOOK).
Just a couple more days of the big sale on my humorous memoir, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60S). How many other Christmas gifts can you give that cost less than a dollar and won't be insulting. Here's where you go to order yours. Thanks.