Episode 6: Valentine’s Day with Beyonce

In this episode Ken tells about the Valentine’s Day he spent with Beyonce that resulted in them both getting a hepatitis shot.  Also, for writers everywhere, Ken gives tips on how to write better more effective dialogue.  And finally, a salute to all your favorite songs that last five seconds.

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A great Friday Question (even though it's Wednesday)

This is a great Friday Question that I felt deserved its own post.

It’s from cd1515:

Is it important when writing comedy that you actually like the character and/or the actor playing it?

If the person's a douche, is there ever a feeling of "why would I want to make THAT person look good?" and maybe give the funnier stuff to someone else in the cast you like better?

First let me say this does exist. But the percentage of actors who are truly monsters is very very low. The overwhelming majority of actors I’ve worked with (in television, features, and the stage) are lovely hard-working people and are a joy to collaborate with. There are creative differences at times, and occasionally a writer may grumble over an actor note but that’s just the process and human nature. I’m sure your boss or co-workers do things or ask for things that bug you from time to time. But it’s not intolerable. This post centers on those extreme cases when actors are hateful.

And the short answer is you bust to ass to make the script as good as possible, even if that means making the douchebag look better. It kills you but you do it.

You do it because you’re a professional. You do it because it’s your job. You do it because you don’t have “fuck you” money (yet).

But it does take every ounce of perseverance and tolerance you've got.

And it takes its toll, both physically and psychically. Especially if you’re on a weekly series, you just can’t put yourself through that for any extended period of time before you wind up in a cardiac ward or Betty Ford. You will burn out.

There’s a reason there was so much turnover on ROSEANNE, COSBY, CYBILL, and GRACE UNDER FIRE to cite just a few. Writers with any real talent leave.

It takes a lot of fortitude and dedication to your craft to write great jokes for an actress (Roseanne) who made writers wear numbers around their necks at run-throughs because she didn’t want to bother learning their names.

And you can't give funnier lines to other cast members because the star will intercept them and take the lines for themselves (even if the jokes no longer make sense). 

Unfortunately, nightmare stars know that writers will still give their best regardless so they feel they can get away with their bad behavior. Thus you hate them more, if that’s even possible.

The big question writers ask is whether the star is worth it? If your star is beloved and your show is a big hit it makes it easier to suck it up than if you’re writing for Rob Schneider and no one’s watching. Can you at least get a Goddamn Emmy out of it?

One thing writers don’t do, however, is go out of their way for these monsters.

Now, what about when a supporting cast member is an asshole? Then you give him the best material you can but try to give him as little to do as possible. If he or she becomes too much of a problem and isn’t key to the success of the series you get rid of him.

Still, as a writer you do the best you can despite your personal feelings. Remember, the audience doesn’t care.

All that said, after you’ve worked on a show with one of these ogres, when you then work with a lovely cast you are that much more appreciative. And you go out of your way times ten for them. God bless the Ted Dansons of the world.

Meanwhile, when was the last time you saw Cybill Shepherd on a series?  As opposed to say Christine Baranski? 

When a pilot is greenlit

Networks are in process of greenlighitng pilots. They announce these with press releases that various industry websites reprint. Once upon a time pilots were driven by writers. They created the shows and produced the shows… all by themselves. Networks dealt with them because they had experience and proven talent. Networks knew they were in good hands.  And they produced some monster hits.

Unfortunately, in success these writer/producers made tons of money. That was unacceptable. Everyone wanted in on the payday, whether they really contributed or not. So now things have changed… as reflected in these press releases.

This is a typical article you see on these show business websites:

(3 letter network) has given a pilot green light to (name of project), a single-camera comedy from (star of former sitcom’s) company (cutesie title) in association with (former agent now non-writing producer) and (star of former sitcom’s manager) for (studio owned by 3 letter network). (Star of former sitcom) will not appear in the series but her brother (actor who can’t get arrested) will have a featured role and co-produce.

The show was created by (writer of star's former sitcom), based on a popular (European country) sitcom, created by (European writer) who will also serve as executive producer.

(Former agent now non-writing producer) says: “(European writer) has a strong singular voice even though it’s in another language.”

(Director of hit sitcom from six years ago) will direct and executive produce along with (director’s manager) who is president of director’s (another cutesie title) production company.

(Star of current sitcom sure to be cancelled, probably because of him) is in negotiations to star along with Kim Raver.

(Name of project) is about a (person of diversity) living in a neighborhood of (different diversities) and the return of her long lost father who shows up with his new wife (former movie star who two years ago would be insulted if you offered her a TV role). (Former movie star) is also executive producer.

(Name of project) is a (major talent agency) package brokered by (major entertainment law firm).

This is the third single-camera comedy pick up for (3 letter network), the eighth for (non-writing producer), and third for Kim Raver.

Yes, that’s a lot of people, and if the pilot doesn’t go – which one do you think everyone will blame? Yep.

My thoughts on the SUPER Bowl

Here are my ramblings on yesterday’s Super Bowl. Warning:  It’s impossible to discuss without touching on politics. Politics is so a part of the story. So if you only want to read my blog when it’s politic-free, that's totally cool, have a great day and we’ll see you tomorrow (I got a comedy post planned).

To the business at hand.  WOW.  That was maybe the greatest Super Bowl in history. I know Falcon fans don’t agree. I feel your pain. Now you know what Hillary went through.

Tom Brady may be the greatest NFL quarterback ever. But I fucking hate him.

How many sportswriters used this phrase today: “Even Hollywood couldn’t write this script!”?

Sorry haters but Joe Buck did a great job. Totally on top of the action, kept you informed of all in-game situations, and set just the right dramatic tone for the unbelievable rally. Imagine Gus Johnson doing this game.

For all of the Patriots’ heroics, one more field goal by Atlanta would have iced the game, and they put themselves out of field goal range by penalties. THAT was the killer.

I wonder how many people turned the game off after the Half-time show.  Mike Pence split before the players could give him a speech on love and unity. 

What’s the point of a flyover over a closed dome stadium?

I don’t remember a Super Bowl that received as little hype as this one. And now they’ll be talking about it for XXILCIXXL years.

One of my favorite moments was when the two opposing players got their helmets entangled. Siamese Super Bowl.

Oops. Fox’s live stream went down in the fourth quarter. Putin strikes again!

Okay, now let’s get to the stuff people really tuned in for – the commercials, the Half-time show, and shots of Fox stars who will be out of work come June.

The commercials were really underwhelming again this year. Not funny. And many were confusing. How many times did you see some spot and go “What the fuck does that mean?” A western movie set falls down and it’s an ad for Snickers. Huh?

Classy doing an air freshener spot during Half-time. Actually, I think more people went to the bathroom when the Justin Bieber spot came on.

The people who say they’re going to boycott Budweiser because of that fantastic ad (where they show an immigrant, Adolphus Busch, becoming something) still have twenty cases in their basement for emergencies just like this.

They might as well boycott Audi too because their ad proposed that women should receive equal pay. Not that those people buy Audis anyway.  Instead, they’ll boycott the go-carts.

And what was the CHEERS theme doing in a Michelob commercial? It had no relation to what was happening on the screen. And it was the second sponsor that has now used it. All-State Insurance was the other I believe. Paramount hasn’t made enough money off the show? Jesus!  I hope hearing the theme again motivated you not to buy their product, but to binge-watch CHEERS again on Netflix so I can make a dime.

Don’t you find it sad that commercials that celebrated our country’s ideals of tolerance, acceptance, and opportunity are considered insults by the current president of the United States?

Lady Gaga crushed it! Can that gal make an entrance? In her case a wardrobe malfunction might have resulted in death.

My friend Andy Goldberg was hoping Tony Bennett would fly in from the open roof as well.

Considering these shows are pretty much the same now – star on giant stage, belting out their hits in highly choreographed routines with male Rockettes, changing costumes, fireworks exploding, a mosh pit of candle holders, etc. Lady Gaga really showed off her stuff. She sang, she hoofed, she tinkled, and like all truly gifted trained singers – she flew.

Some people complained she wasn’t outspoken enough. Not sure that was the place for that. I mean, it’s bad enough she sang about equality. Probably half the country boo’ed her for that.

Instead of listening to Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson gas off during half-time, wouldn’t you like to just see how they get that enormous stage on and off the field in five minutes? And all those people. Just once I’d like the third quarter to begin and during the kick off there’s some confused skeesix on the 30-yard line holding a candle.

What happens to that set? Does it go back to the $25,000 PYRAMID?

How pathetic to see Spuds MacKenzie now reduced to a translucent piñata. Did Ed Wood direct that spot?

If you were attending a Super Bowl party did you notice how all talking stopped when Christopher Walken filled the screen? And then resumed 30 seconds later when everybody said, “What the fuck was that?”

Anyway, for those who stuck around until the end, it was a comeback for the ages and just another reminder that we’re in the age of bad guys win. But take heart. There’s a new BAYWATCH movie coming and pitchers and catchers report this week.

The "lost" CHEERS scene

A yearly tradition...

For several years I had been talking about the "Lost" CHEERS scene. David and I wrote it for the 1983 Super Bowl Pre-game show to promote our fledgling series. They ran it just before game time and it was seen by 80,000,000 people. Nothing we've ever written before or since has been seen by that many eyeballs at one time. But the scene was never repeated. It never appeared on any DVD's. It just disappeared.

Until a couple of years ago.

Sportswriter supreme, Joe Resnick has taped every Super Bowl including that one. And since the scene aired so close to the game, it was on the tape.  Sadly, Joe passed away last year.   You can read my tribute to him here.

Thanks to friend of the blog, Howard Hoffman, he was able to digitize it and post it on YouTube.  Here's the text of the scene.

So here it is. The Super Bowl is next.

The man who wrote for kings

Edward Anhalt was one of the great screenwriters of all-time. A multi-Oscar winner he amassed a tremendous body of impressive work.

In the early 60’s he learned that producer Hal B. Wallis was planning to make a movie of the play BECKET. That subject matter was Anhalt’s absolute passion. He considered himself an expert on the era. No one knew the period as well. He went to Wallis with an impassioned plea that he and he alone was right for this assignment. Wallis made him a deal. Anhalt could write BECKET but he had another project that also needed a writer. If Anhalt would do that first he could have his coveted assignment. Anhalt happily agreed.

So in the same year Mr. Edward Anhalt wrote BECKET and GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS starring Elvis Presley and Stella Stevens.

Moral of this story: If you’re lucky enough to get an assignment on some horrible cheesy Disney Channel show about kids in leprechaun jr. high take heart. Next year you could be on GAME OF THRONES.