How BLINDSPOT got on the air

I have obtained the transcription from the NBC pitch meeting for BLINDSPOT:

WRITER/CREATOR: We got this totally cool idea. It’s like a mix between the Bourne movies, PRISON BREAK, MEMENTO, the old game show CAMOUFLAGE, and what shows do you like?

NBC: BLACKLIST.

W/C: It’s also like BLACKLIST.

NBC: We’ve been looking for another BLACKLIST. And another HEROES.

W/C: Ours is that too.

NBC: That’s okay. We’re remaking HEROES.

W/C: Well, if you ever want to remake THE BIONIC WOMAN ours is also like that show.

NBC: THE BIONIC WOMAN was a bomb.

W/C: Wait. I forgot. We took out THE BIONIC WOMAN elements.

NBC: So what’s the series?

W/C: Well, we don’t actually have a concept yet – what’s it about, what happens every week, who all the characters are – we still need to tackle those details.

NBC: So what are you bringing us?

W/C: An opening scene.

NBC: An opening scene? That’s it?

W/C: Yep. Something with sizzle that you can promote all summer. Who cares if it has legs?

NBC: Well, like I said, we’re looking for another BLACKLIST. And that’s BLACKLIST. We’re sort of hoping they’ll figure something out this season.  What’s your first scene?

W/C: We’re in Times Square. It’s night. Crowded. And someone discovers a duffel bag. Just sitting in the street. And it has a tag that says CALL THE FBI.

NBC: Wouldn’t they call the FBI anyway?

W/C: You know that. And I know that. But NBC’s audience doesn’t know that.

NBC: You think they’re that dense?

W/C: BLACKLIST.

NBC: Good point. Go on.

W/C: So what’s in the bag? A bomb? Dirty laundry? No. It’s a hot girl.

NBC: Wouldn’t she suffocate in the bag?

W/C: What? There are air holes.

NBC: But then couldn’t someone see what was inside?

W/C: Small holes. Tiny holes.

NBC: Who is she?

W/C: We don’t know.

NBC: I assume the audience doesn’t know but who is she?

W/C: We don’t know either.

NBC: Who put her in there?

W/C: No idea.

NBC: And why?

W/C: Couldn’t tell you.

NBC: Gee, you’ve really thought this thing through.

W/C: Easy fixes. But wait – she is covered in tattoos.

NBC: Oh, so we could do product placement. I’m starting to like this.

W/C: No. They’re all clues.

NBC: To what?

W/C: We still have to figure that out.

NBC: So then what happens?

W/C: The girl comes out of the bag.

NBC: How?

W/C: She upzips the bag and slithers out.

NBC: What duffel bag upzips from the inside? Why would they ever make that?

W/C: Uh… it’s a custom bag. They want her to open it.

NBC: Who does?

W/C: We don’t know.

NBC: Can she even see the zipper if it’s on the inside?

W/C: Yes. There’s a tiny light. So she comes out of the bag. And on her back is the name of an FBI agent. So they bring him in on the case. We do a scene where he’s breaking up a hostage situation in Kentucky and a helicopter arrives to take him to Manhattan.

NBC: Why do you need a helicopter? Can’t they just call him?

W/C: We don’t know.

NBC: And they’re calling him to do what?

W/C: Again, don’t know.

NBC: So who is this FBI agent?

W/C: Sorry, can’t help you.

NBC: Could he be like RAY DONOVAN? We’re also looking to do something like that.

W/C: Yes. Exactly. How about this for a character profile?  A knock off Liev Schreiber.

NBC: Okay. I totally see that character.  Brooding.  Charmless. But I’m still hazy on the girl.

W/C: So is she. She has no memory.

NBC: How’d that happen? And please, don’t say you don’t know. Just make something up if you have to.

W/C: She was given this drug that wipes out your past memory.

NBC: Does such a drug exist?

W/C: Maybe.

NBC: Okay. She has no memory. Then how does she function?

W/C: Oh, she can speak foreign languages and is an expert in martial arts.

NBC: What?

W/C: This drug is selective based on what we need for future episodes.

NBC: Which you haven’t thought of yet.

W/C: Right.

NBC: So what happens in the pilot after that first scene? What’s the plot?

W/C: We could go procedural, we could go action-adventure, espionage, the door is even open to sci-fi if you like.

NBC: I have to tell you – this is a mess. What you have here is the first scene of a movie, maybe. But a long-running television show? It’s downright insulting that you seriously think we would buy something so half-baked.

W/C: Wait. One more thing: the girl is naked.

NBC: What?

W/C: She’s incredibly hot. Someone like Jaimie Alexander. And when she comes out of the bag she’s completely naked.

NBC: So you think we’d spend five million dollars on a pilot just because there’s one nude scene?

W/C: No. Don’t be ridiculous. There are several nude scenes. When she’s alone in her room she stares at herself in the mirror, naked. She goes into a fetal position, naked. When they photograph her, she’s naked. And then we have all these photos the FBI will post – of her naked.

NBC: Forget the pilot. Go right to series.

Telling broadcasters to shut up

This is a broadcasting story and amusing anecdote, not a baseball story – although it involves broadcasting baseball. Does that make sense?  (It is also dedicated to the passing of Yogi Berra.  Number 8 will always be number one.)

Broadcast conditions for minor league announcers are rarely ideal. Especially in older stadiums. You’re in a little shack up on the roof, often in tin afterthoughts. You’re trying to call a game during a lightening storm in a metal box surrounded by electronic equipment. Or a tornado.  Or blizzard.  Or swarm of bees.  Or fireworks night when the guy has bad aim. 

Sometimes you have no roof at all so good luck in the rain. And blazing sun. 

On the other hand, at the old Toledo stadium we were completely enclosed in Plexiglas. On the air it sounded like we were in an echo chamber. And if the air conditioning stopped working, we were in a George Foreman grill.

At old Sec Taylor Stadium in Des Moines, whenever a home team player hit a home run a deafening siren would blast. You could hear it all the way to Ottumwa. The speaker was right underneath the visiting broadcasters. Every time a ball sailed over the fence it practically knocked us out of the booth. My ears are still ringing and this was 1988.

That same year I was broadcasting Syracuse Chiefs games with Dan Hoard. We went into Denver to play the dreaded Zephyrs. Most minor league parks are intimate and seat maybe 10,000. That’s one of the beauties of going to minor league games – the intimacy; you’re close to the players and close to the action. The Zephyrs played in Mile High Stadium, which sat 70 or 80 or 150,000 (I forget which). Even if attendance was 15,000, which normally would mean S.R.O., it looked like maybe six people were there scattered about.

They had no dedicated baseball pressbox per se. They just converted a few of the luxury suites behind the home plate area. At first I thought, “this is great!” The booth was roomy. We had a counter, good view, air conditioning, running distance to a bathroom. The only quirk was that there were two rows of seats behind us accommodating maybe fifteen spectators.

We thought nothing of it until people started filing into our booth. Apparently those were paid seats. Okay. A little weird – I’m not used to calling games with a studio audience -- but what the hell?

The game begins, we call the action, and we can hear in the background people telling us to shut up. At the half inning mark we turned back to them and said, “Hey, we’re broadcasting here!” They said, “We don’t care. We paid primo money for these seats and we don’t want to hear two idiots announcing all night.”

We had to go to one of the team executives to straighten things out. I think they moved them.  It's not like there were no other seats.  There was room in the dugouts. 

The next night the seats in our booth were sold again, but this was a good crowd. They enjoyed our broadcast and even offered to buy us some beers. We graciously declined, explaining how we only drank beer before games.

I thought things would improve drastically when I got to the majors, and they did – mostly. Spring Training facilities in the ‘90s were not as spiffy as they are today. The Angels still played in an old ballpark in Palm Springs. There were only two broadcast booths and if the Angels were televising as well as doing radio then the visiting broadcasters were put into the stands.

A counter was set up in one of the back rows. My first year with Seattle we had to do a game from that location. I sat on the aisle, Kevin the engineer to my left, and to his left was my partner, the great Dave Niehaus. If anyone stood up in front of us we were screwed.

I’m on the air, it’s the seventh inning, I feel a tapping on my shoulder. It’s a vendor with malts. Would I pass them down the row to the skeesix ten seats over? I did, while calling the game. Suddenly there is a big play. Runners scampering around the bases, the ball going every which way. Kevin hands me the money for the malt that had been passed from hand to hand. I give it to the vendor, all the while continuing to call this goofy play.  I feel another tap. The vendor.  Would I pass the change back? This on a fifty station radio network.

But I don’t feel bad. Vin Scully of the Dodgers recalls that when the team first moved out west with the Giants in 1958, the Giants played at a minor league park, Seal Stadium.  Scully and his partner, Jerry Doggett, were banished to broadcast from the stands like us. Even in those early days, Giant fans hated anything Dodgers. Scully had to do live commercials between innings for some beer. For the rest of the game fans around him were shouting the names of competing beer brands while he was doing the play-by-play.   All of this got on the air.  

Hey, maybe I should put a few rows of seats in my office and charge people to watch me write. “Shut up! We can’t sleep with that incessant keyboard clacking!”

Emmy After thoughts

Since I was not invited to any Emmy After Parties...

I always write my reviews immediately after the show. Several reasons: Post it while it’s hot. By Wednesday everyone will forget the Emmys even occurred (except for those who lost – they’ll be bitter until Friday). Also, by posting early no one can accuse me of stealing someone else's material. And face it, how many two-headed Sarah Paulson jokes are there out there?

I never read any other reviews until I’ve posted mine. I don’t want to be influenced by them (not that the Hollywood Reporter is going to change my opinion about anything). So much to my surprise when I did check out the critical reaction this morning, most TV critics loved Andy Samberg. I don’t know what show they were watching, but ohhhh-kay. I decided to re-screen the opening monologue. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I was too harsh.

Nope. It was terrible.

This is the second time in two weeks I’ve disagreed with the critics. I was underwhelmed by the first Colbert late night talk show and many of them raved as if he was Jesus Christ Himself or Jon Stewart. I stand by my stands, but now worry – I’m really looking forward to SUPERGIRL. What if they love it? Will I be switching over to MNF by the first commercial? It’s gotten good buzz, which concerns me. But there is also some pushback because it’s SuperGIRL and not SuperWOMAN or SuperOPRAH  So there’s a chance, and I've got to take it.

Believe it or not, I go into these award show reviews hoping I will love them. And sometimes I do. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler’s hosting of the Golden Globes was a delight. It is possible to deliver a killer monologue. Award shows aren’t required to have Seth MacFarlane or Heidi Klum host. What’s more thrilling than sharing in someone’s ultimate moment of triumph and getting swept up in their genuine emotion?  All all before the play-off music. 

Remember, if you hate the show you can always switch to SNF, but since I’m reviewing them I have to stick it out till the bitter end. I would much rather be entertained than tortured. Unfortunately, the latter is true more often than not. And by the way, if you ever do attend a Primetime Emmys ceremony you’ll notice that by hour two half the industry is in the lobby.  Attendees don't like the show either.  Trust me, the OLIVE KITTRIDGE winners were giving their acceptance speeches to seat fillers. (Hey, here’s an idea: let TV critics be seat fillers. They’re the only ones who seem to like the show anyway.)

Yes, bad shows are easier targets. And they generally lead to funnier recaps. But I personally, would be happier to report that I loved the show. And even in reviews that are pans I still try to be fair and point out things I thought worked or moved me.

Some readers thought I was too snarky. Um, I’m always too snarky. As the great Larry Gelbart used to say, “If you write something that offends no one go back and do it over.” Like I said, I try to be fair, but come on people, this is a HUMOR blog. I’m trying to provide laughs here. And perhaps an observation or two that you hadn’t thought of.

If I’m not entirely politically correct, that’s by choice. I warned you in the first line of my review that snark was on the way. You were welcome to click over to the recap of SNF.

I mean, let’s get real. Whenever there is an Emmy or Oscar party, what do people do the entire night? Of course! Make ass fun of every dress, scream at winners to get the hell off already, and generally take potshots at any actor who uses the words “genius,” “journey,” “courage,” or “management team.”

You don't even have to go to a party anymore.  You can just sit home and live tweet. 

This year’s Emmy broadcast received the lowest ratings in the show’s history. Whoever produces the show next year, please make it better. Nothing would tickle me more than to write how much I loved it, and don’t worry that I won’t have enough funny stuff to write. There’s always the KTLA Red Carpet show.

My 2015 Emmy Review

Time for my annual snarky Emmycast review.

Last night’s show was not as bad as the year the five reality hosts presided over the Emmys (asking Heidi Klum to do comedy is like asking your dog to program your DVR), but it wasn’t as good as the SAG strike year when local KNBC news anchor Kelly Lange emceed the show.

I like Andy Samberg but thought his monologue was painful. After every horrifying feces, Bill Cosby, and Kim Davis joke they’d cut to someone in the audience totally bewildered. Why Andy Samberg? Because the Emmys were on Fox. That’s the biggest star on the network? No, but Harold Reynolds was busy.

Samberg began with a clichéd song-and-dance routine that only made us long for Neil Patrick Harris or the cruise director from Carnival.

For me, the only truly moving moments of the evening were the appearance of Tracy Morgan and Kerry Washington’s metal mesh dress. (which she cleans by going through a car wash)

GAME OF THRONES won Best Drama. Clearly, the Academy is tired of honoring Matthew Weiner.

He was certainly snubbed. Even when Jon Hamm finally won for Best Actor Other Than Bryan Cranston, he did not thank Weiner. Instead he thanked anyone who gave him a home cooked meal.

Happy that VEEP won for several reasons. First of all it’s an actual comedy. TRANSPARENT is a lovely show but it is not a comedy. Nor is it even that original. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT did the exact same storyline last season with the exact same star. And it was funny.

And if the Academy was going to give the Best Comedy award to a family show I would have picked THE MIDDLE. Or FRESH OFF THE BOAT. Or BLACKISH.

For the most part I was pleased with the results. No one I hate won. Viola Davis gave a moving speech (and I love how fellow nominee and next year’s winner Taraji P. Henson gave her a standing O), Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a comedy goddess, and the Academy loves Allison Janney so much they give her Emmys even knowing she’ll thank Chuck Lorre.

Jeffrey Tambor was a lock. He was great in TRANSPARENT and this might have been a make-good for not giving it to him for playing the same role on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

Before the show, I always catch the KTLA Red Carpet show hosted by fawning floormat Sam Rubin and rocket scientist, Jessica Holmes. Holmes is eleven months pregnant (“who are you bearing?”), but considering how shocked she always is at anything any celebrity says, I’m guessing she just found out about her pregnancy last Friday.

She opened the broadcast by saying: “The stars are getting here early, which is really interesting because you never know!”  Two seconds in and already I'm laughing.

The big red carpet story was the heat. The stars had to walk from their air conditioned limos, under a shaded canopy, to an air conditioned auditorium. Based on Sam & Jessica’s concern, you’d think Edie Falco had just crossed the Sahara.

Jessica mentioned to DOWNTON ABBEY creator, Julian Fellowes that Queen Elizabeth liked to pick out inaccuracies in his show. He hadn’t heard that. Jessica said it was in PEOPLE magazine, to which Mr. Fellows responded: “Oh, wellllll.”

Sam was interviewing Ariel Winter and Anthony Anderson. He said to Ariel (who is 17) “You’ve been through this a million times. Tell Anthony (who’s had a 20 year career) how to deal with it.”

Sam asked Alan Cumming to handicap his nomination. Cumming said, “I think Jonathan Banks is going to win, don’t you?” Sam responded: “He’s terrific in that show.” Way to make the guest feel good.

And finally, MAD MEN’S Kiernan Shipka said she was six when the show began and now she’s sixteen. Mother-to-be Jessica wisely stated, “There’s a lot of growing in those years.” Please write a book on parenting, Jessica.

Meanwhile, Fox’s red carpet show was hosted by football analyst, Terry Bradshaw (the network’s second biggest star). Sorry I missed that. I bet his question to every actor was, “Who are you again?”

Hollywood cares. It’s always championing some worthy humanitarian cause. They do this by wearing ribbons at award shows. This year, lots of stars were wearing green ribbons. These were in support of Jill Soloway negotiating a better overall deal.

The set looked like the casino of Circus Circus only not as tasteful.

Lea DeLaria came dressed as Drew Carey.

Who better than Lady Gaga to present a Best Actor award?

How come EMPIRE wasn’t nominated for Best Drama? Oh, that’s right. People actually WATCH it.

Did you notice the winning writers for VEEP were all middle-aged? Enjoy your Emmys, fellas. You’ll never get another job.

Congrats to Regina King. I thought Sarah Paulson was going to win but I think her two heads canceled each other out.

Emma Roberts wore a white dress that had more color than her skin.

“In Memoriam” gets tougher for me every year as more and more of my peers and friends pass. This year my mentor, Gary Owens, friend Taylor Negron, and dear friend and colleague Sam Simon were among the many who left us too soon.

I thought there would be more of a tribute to David Letterman. He got lumped into the “Not Returning Shows” montage (“In Memoriam 2”) and received as much airtime as COUGAR TOWN. And somehow they omitted 19 KIDS AND COUNTING.

The key word this year was “genius.” Everybody was a “genius.” With all these “geniuses” how come shows now get a 1 share? 

Seeing Jon Stewart, I miss him all over again. Oh, how I wish it was Ricky Gervais and not Jon Stewart who said, “You’ll never see me again.”

Wouldn’t you love just once to see an actor fire his agent during his acceptance speech? “You told me OLIVE KITTRIDGE was a piece of crap. I should take BAD JUDGE. Thank God I didn’t listen to you.”

Sophie Turner wore a blue top and black slacks, perfect for formal occasions or selling cars at Jim Falk Lexus.

My daughter’s writing partner, Jonathan Emerson tossed in some observations. He noted that ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK is the first series to lose as Best Comedy and Best Drama.

Amy Schumer is in. Louis C.K. is out. Lena Dunham is a trivia answer.

Claire Danes came as the Phantom. 

Amy Schumer looked like a fullback. Hopefully it was just the dress.

How upset do you think Jane Fonda was when co-star Lily Tomlin lost?

So Alex Trebek sits down after a hard day to relax and watch the Emmy Awards, and BAM! Out of nowhere John Oliver takes gratuitous shots at him. Don’t be surprised if one of Monday’s JEOPARDY categories is “Smug British Talk Show Hosts Who Can Kiss My Ass.”

But Alex couldn’t have been any more uncomfortable than I was suffering through those lame bits like Tatiana Maslany eating beans on the red carpet, Lorne Michaels getting a “World’s Best Boss” mug, and Samberg’s MAD MEN parody.  It all felt like filler.  This is the level of comedy you find in prison skits.

The only winner who swore and had to be bleeped was a writer. Thanks GAME OF THRONES guy. You represent us all so well.

Zoe Kazan looked like a melted candy cane.

Actors often give afterthought tributes to their fellow nominees. But Peter Dinklage is the first to insult most of them. He acknowledged “Jonathan Banks… and the rest.” Nice.

Glad to see Mel Brooks got a standing ovation. Jon Emerson wondered how many in the audience pretended to know who he is? Since he was presenting one of the major awards of the night, I wondered why Lady Gaga didn’t have the honor?

Congratulations to all the winners. Your screeners had the biggest effect.

And finally -- aren’t the Emmys supposed to be classy? Isn’t this a night to celebrate excellence in television? To showcase those individuals and shows that rise above the fray and make the industry proud? Instead, we have the Emmy host doing a motorboarding joke on a replica of the statuette itself. Yeah, we’re all “geniuses” in television.

Emmy flashbacks

I’ll be reviewing tonight’s Emmy Awards. Check back tomorrow. But to get you in the mood, here are a few snarky inappropriate highlights from past Emmy reviews. Enjoy.

Note to Jeff Daniels and a lot of actors last night: ease up on the spray tan. There’s something wrong when Jeff Daniels is darker than Mindy Kaling.

Elton John, who has nothing to do with television, did a tribute to Liberace. I forget the title. “Candelabra in the Wind” I think.

The WHITNEY Emmy screener makes a really nifty coaster.

The Academy sent out a pretty clear message. Louis C.K. – not yet. Lena Dunham – not happening. Chuck Lorre – never.

What does it say when Bill Maher is now 0-32 and most Emmy voters are Democrats?

If Zosia Mamet’s dress was the result of another Kickstarter campaign she must’ve only raised eleven dollars.

GAME CHANGE won so Hollywood finally voted for Sarah Palin.

Kevin Costner won for playing a cowboy, which is what he should be playing. His days of portraying a baseball player are over unless they do a screen version of CHEERS and hire him as the Coach.

Christine Baranski, in a gold plated gown, looked like C-3PO caught cross-dressing.

Producer Mark Burnett has said that the “In Memoriam” segment doesn’t have to be such a downer. Really??? To that end, the song under the clips was “Where Dem Girls At”.

Six winners told their kids to go to bed. Five thanked Jesus. One told Jesus to go to bed.

Gray ribbons this year as Hollywood rallies to provide relief to the hurricane victims in the Hamptons whose guest homes and tennis courts sustained water damage.

Kate Winslet and Martin Scorsese won Emmys for having already won Oscars. When you win an Academy Award they should just throw an Emmy in the swag bag.

At least one Red Carpet interviewer asked Margo Martindale if she was coming back next year on JUSTIFIED (note: her character was killed) and another said how much she loved Margo's dad, Wink. Still another was hoping the "real" Mildred Pierce would be there for the ceremony.

What was that hideous song Jewel sang? I hate to say it but it really brought down the “In Memoriam” section.

For the first time ever the Emmys were shown live in Los Angeles. NBC recognized they were up against very stiff competition this year -- the Chabad Telethon.

Al Pacino’s won a million awards and his speech was like your uncle Lou’s just before the paramedics came.

Did you notice that not one winner all night, any category, thanked a network or studio for notes?

When Jessica Lange was thanking everyone in the world I was hoping for a promo crawl underneath her to say, “Jessica Lange speech over in 8 minutes.”

Letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

Anyone who says Jewish girls don’t know how to dress didn’t see Sarah Silverman tonight in her Catholic Girl’s uniform.

Check out these amazing singers

A little musical post for you today.  The group is Cubanos Acapella, the song is Hotel California (played to death on oldies stations), and wait'll you see what the guy in the red shirt does.  There must be some reality show these guys could win?