Was O.J. Simpson at my wedding?

In the recent WGA Veteran’s Retreat my fellow mentor, Karen Harris, and I did an exercise with our group. Two Truths and One Lie. It’s a great tool for dreaming up characters’ backstories. The exercise is you list three statements about your life – two are true, the other is false – and everyone has to guess which is the false one.  

So as a fun (?) blog exercise, I thought I would play the game with you. Below are nine series of three statements? One in each triplet is a lie. Guess which ones in the comments section. Tomorrow the answers and explanations for the true statements. As always, winners receive nothing so you’re going to definitely want to play. Good luck.

I was on ABC-TV covering the National Elections when I was eighteen.

I once asked Prince Charles “What advice would you give young people thinking of getting into your profession?”

I got a tour of the Oval Office from the President.

*************

For a pilot I was casting I once passed on an Oscar winner for an actress with zero experience.

Jennifer Aniston was in a failed pilot of ours.

O.J. Simpson was at my wedding.

***************

I kissed a Bond girl (when she was still young and hot).

I once announced a Dodger baseball game with Vin Scully.

I had a cartoon in the New Yorker while in college.

****************

Former madam, Heidi Fleiss’ father was my kids’ pediatrician.

Diana Ross sang at my grandparents’ anniversary party.

I wrote comedy for Dr. Timothy Leary.

****************

I once picked up Stephen Stills who was hitchhiking in Laurel Canyon.

I announced a Golden States Warriors game on KNBR, San Francisco.

My first girlfriend starred in a movie with Natalie Wood.

***************

Larry King said I sounded like Dick Cavett.

Al Hirschfeld made a caricature of himself just for me.

I got to fly once with the Blue Angels.

***************

Tracey Ullman hit me.

I once won the Washington Sportscaster of the Year Award.

I once won the Virginia Sportscaster of the Year Award.

*****************

I turned down writing the Cosby pilot.

I turned down writing for LAUGH IN when I was in college.

Tony Gwynn attended my son’s Bar Mitzvah.

****************

I wrote a musical-comedy stage show for the United States Army.

My daughter’s first word was “Norm.”

I’m in Who’s Who in America.

TOMORROWLAND: My review

Let me start with THE CAINE MUTINY. You’ll see why in a minute. I was maybe six. For some reason I found myself in a movie theater where THE CAINE MUTINY was playing. Maybe I thought the Three Stooges were in it, I dunno. Anyway, I watched it. It was my first military courtroom drama. I was completely lost. I didn’t even know the meaning of the word mutiny. By the time they got to the trial and Humphrey Bogart was on the stand I was going out of my mind.

I thought back to that recently when I attended a DGA screening of TOMORROWLAND. It was a matinee and there had to be at least twenty kids in the audience. As the movie rumbled on adding one jumbled story turn after another I reached a point where I thought, if I’m baffled, what are these kids thinking? Sure enough, the towheads in my row had the most adorable “What the fuck is happening here?” expressions on their angelic faces.

That’s a real problem for a family-friendly movie.

It's like an exciting disjointed trailer. You don’t know what’s going on but the images are eye popping. Now imagine that for two hours.

TOMORROWLAND is unfortunately, a mess. I say unfortunately because its goals are lofty, its message of hope is admirable, and its filmmakers are among the best and most imaginative in the business. Writer/director Brad Bird will always be in my Hall of Fame for THE INCREDIBLES alone. And co-writer Damon Lindelof was a showrunner on LOST (wonderful storytelling until the finale). If anyone can generate interesting original ideas it’s these guys. But it’s like they took every interesting original idea they’ve ever had since the second grade and thrown them all into this hodge-podge of a movie. It tries to be Spielberg, it tries to be sci-fi with action-adventure and sermonizing. You have time travel, portals, MEN IN BLACK chase scenes, awe and wonder, mystery, THE JETSONS, Jules Verne, the Apocalypse (it can’t be a summer movie without one), cyborgs, riddles, ticking clocks, villains, and a plug for Disney rides. But it all adds up to an ending so convoluted that Einstein would be saying, “Let’s see if we can sneak into theater 12 and catch the last half hour of MAD MAX.”

George Clooney stars. But he’s hardly even in the movie for the first hour. And when we do eventually get to him he plays is this world-weary sad sack who has lost all hope. What an electrifying hero! You get the feeling he still feels guilty for once playing Batman. His co-star is perky teenager Brittany Robertson, who seems beamed aboard from the Disney Channel. Thank God they didn’t introduce a love story between them. (I’m sure if Woody Allen had directed it there would have been.)

The best thing in the movie was Hugh Laurie.  Of course, he's usually the best thing in anything he's in, whatever his accent.  

The sad lesson here is you can hedge your bets with A-list directors, writers, and stars. You can create spectacular worlds, dazzling visuals, and feel-good messages. You can support it with the best marketing department in Hollywood. And there’s still no guarantee you will have a successful movie.

At least when I saw THE CAINE MUTINY as an adult I got it.  When the kids who saw TOMORROWLAND grow up, I hope they'll just watch BACK TO THE FUTURE instead.  

I got the sense that the ending was setting up possible sequels. If they really think that, the next one should be called FANTASYLAND.

I can write FIFTY SHADES OF GREY too

Oh boy!  E.L. James (the world's richest bad writer) is preparing a sequel to her wildly successful FIFTY SHADES OF GREY series.  We get to see things through Christian's point-of-view.  It'll be out in a couple of weeks.  She's sitting down to write it today.  But as blog reader, Pat Reeder noted, I already wrote that.  Here again, in case you missed it, and to get you to buy my novel instead (which is way cheaper), is the flipside of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

I spend most of my time in my giant swank office. I’m the equivalent of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs except I’m also gorgeous looking and not dead. I preside over a massive global conglomerate that feeds the poor (thus making me likeable) and brings in billions. I’m always on the phone speaking generically. “Get me those numbers, Ted.” “That sounds risky, I’ll need to look over the proposal.” “Reschedule the acquisitions team for Monday at 3:00.” So you can plainly see I’m legit.

On Friday night I fly down to Portland to see my brother and pick up some items from a hardware store. I fly my own helicopter. I also play concert piano, have read and can quote the classics, collect fine art and first editions, and look awesome in jeans. It’s clear I’m an expert helicopter pilot because I say things to the tower like, “Charlie-Tango descending to 1000 feet.” Don’t even try to make sense of it. You have to be a pilot.

I go back to Seattle because I need to be at my desk and look over reports when I tell people on the phone, “Have Brian call me tomorrow, and I want a meeting with his people.”

But before you know it I fly back to Portland to speak at a college graduation. My speech goes over well because I’m incredibly charismatic. Those kids hang on every generic word.

Home again in Seattle I drive to Bellvue to have dinner with my equally wealthy step-parents and siblings. They have a large mansion. The food is delicious.  I'm a foodie and wine connoisseur too.  

A few more days of taxing business decisions (“I’m not going forward till I see the projections!”) and I need to take the corporate plane to Savannah, Georgia. As you know, I’m also an expert glider pilot. But my trip is cut short. A business emergency.

I fly back to Seattle and now on the phone I use an angry tone. “Unacceptable!” “Call Gary. We have to re-think this.” That’s me in crisis mode – firm but in complete control.

And that’s about it. Oh wait. During this period I also banged a high-maintenance loony college chick.

Hmmmm. Now I that read it over, it might be a little short for a novel. What do you think? I’ll add a scene where he walks on water.

Just in time for the NBA Finals

Key & Peele's spoof of basketball announcers.

Dick Van Dyke at his very best

When I was a kid growing up the sitcom that influenced me the most was THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. I wanted to be a comedy writer after seeing how much fun they all had on that show. Aw, who am I kidding? I wanted Laura Petrie. But comedy writing did seem like a cool profession.

People think of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW as a sophisticated comedy and it certainly was. But the show also featured plenty of inspired slapstick. For all his many gifts, Dick Van Dyke is a truly brilliant physical comedian. And Mary Tyler Moore ain't bad either.

Here's a montage from "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW REMEMBERED" that aired in 1994. You'll marvel at this.

Friday Questions

June Friday Questions are busting out all over.

Tobi Gordon is up first.

Will you please explain the fascination of programming everything worth watching on Sunday nights between 9-11:30 pm?

Of course, we can TIVO, tape, OnDemand like crazy, but wouldn't it be better to spread the wealth across the week? They're deliberately abandoning the audience for quality TV 6 days a week.

Sunday is the night that has the largest viewership. It’s the end of the weekend and most people are home gearing up for the week ahead. During the week folks work at night, take classes, hook up with Tinder dates, are in bowling leagues, or drink heavily. Pretty much anything other than go to Tampa Bay Rays home games. So more eyeballs.

And now with DVR’s networks are less inclined to move a powerhouse show out of Sunday because two hits can co-exist nicely.

Networks that have NFL football on Sunday also have the advantage of having a big audience to start with once their primetime lineup begins.

I also think that when HBO scheduled THE SOPRANOS for Sunday night that sort of set the template for quality TV on that night.

blinky asks:

This season on Orphan Black they are doing behind the scenes vignettes DURING the show. The actors break character and they show the sets with green screen backdrops, even playing with the pet scorpion. Imagine Alan Alda and Larry Linville walking around the set on M*A*S*H joking about how the camp is inside a big studio in Century City. Maybe showing how the operating room and shower are right next to each other.  Doesn't this just ruin the illusion of the show?

I think it does, but it depends on the genre and the target viewer. I suspect ORPHAN BLACK’S audience is very media savvy and enjoys a brief lift of the curtain.

Commentary tracks on DVD’s have taken us behind-the-scenes on most of our favorite movies and TV series. So we’re now used to seeing how the magicians do the tricks.

And ORPHAN BLACK is kind of a unique case because you’re always watching on two levels – following the story and marveling at how Tatiana Maslany can play these multiple characters.

cd1515 has a question everyone over 34 asks:

Why are young people "all the nets care about" when most of them have no money?

Because they are still open to choices. At some point people decide on their brand of toothpaste, laundry detergent, gun, etc. But younger people are more open to try new things.

Plus, since movies are geared to them exclusively, the only money studios spend for advertising is to attract those moviegoers who text, talk, and bring babies to the theater.

michael wraps it up.

Question for your baseball and director side. Would you direct a TV telecast of a baseball game different? I feel one of the reasons games seem slow is due to the amount of long static shots and the repetition of shots - pitcher, batter, from behind the pitcher, batter reacts, repeat. I would like to see the entire game - show me the defense, show me less of the players in the dugout and more players on the field communicating, how about showing the third base coach give signs, etc.

I could direct AVATAR 2 before I could direct a live baseball game. Talk about confusing. I’ve been in the truck and watched guys direct baseball games. It’s insane. He has all these camera choices – there’s seven to twenty monitors.

A batter hits the ball. And now all hell breaks lose. Because cameras are following the ball from different angles you look up and on four monitors the ball is going right and on five others it’s going left. Other cameras have runners racing around. You don’t know which runner is which or what base he’s going to. And the director has to call off “Camera four, camera six, camera two” instantly as the action unfolds.

And then there’s instant replays.  I shudder just to think about it. 

What I want to leave you with now is an amazing video. Harry Coyle was maybe the greatest baseball director ever. Watch and listen to him direct an NBC Game of the Week. This was on national TV live. After a couple of minutes there’s a power failure and he must then direct the game with only one camera. Even if you’re not a baseball fan you will be enthralled by this.