Allison Williams -- from a pirate ship to a motorboat

As you know I dislike the show GIRLS, but I will give Lena Dunham this – she is spectacular at promotion -- the Madonna of bad television. She manages to stir up enormous controversy even though no one watches her show. This is just a fact. Its ratings have sharply declined from year to year and last Sunday night’s 4th season premier attracted only 680,000 viewers. There are 317 million people in the United States and a nationally broadcast “Golden Globe” nominated series (although that’s a joke) on premium cable’s most premium network can’t get close to one million?  By any measure anywhere that's disgraceful.  There have to be 700,000 people watching the Juice Man infomercial.

And yet, the show keeps getting renewed. Why? Because GIRLS generates a lot of buzz. And for HBO, they’re less concerned with ratings than they are about branding. They can boast to subscribers that they have the cutting edge shows. So in that regard GIRLS is a runaway hit. 

Lena gets that. And even though many original fans of the show have been turned off by storylines in the last few years, she keeps finding ways to stir the pot.

In the first year, she raised eyebrows by appearing nude in most episodes. She was hailed as courageous. For many, this was not a body they wanted to see. But Lena understood that even leaving herself open to a barrage of criticism and snark was a small price to pay for the publicity.

Last season they did a non-consensual sex scene where the girl was commanded to get down on all fours. Many found the scene degrading. (Yeah, members of the Hollywood Foreign Press – this is a “comedy.”) Everyone watched the YouTube video. No one watched the show. And the result? GIRLS got renewed. Seriously, Lena is a master showman. I’d hire her to run NBC right now.

Think about all the other shows that are on TV that have higher ratings. Bet you never heard of 80% of them. But you sure know about GIRLS. Lady Gaga can wear all the meat she wants, she’s not in Lena Dunham’s league.

And now the latest controversy. On last Sunday night’s episode (that nobody watched) there was a scene where Allison Williams (how can I put this delicately?) has her lover try to give her a colonoscopy with his nose. Now if they had only done that on PETER PAN people would have watched. She could have played the scene with Christopher Walken and maybe had some of his lines pasted to her cheeks.

Adding fuel to the brouhaha is that Allison’s dad is the lead news anchor of NBC. He of course was asked for his reaction. And as expected he gave the requisite diplomatic show of support to his daughter. What is he going to say? “I’m trying to be the distinguished face of NBC News. Walter Cronkite’s daughter never let some guy motorboat her ass on television.” So his answer was stock and carefully worded, and every news organization in the country ran it. Score another one for Ms. Dunham.

I watched the scene (on YouTube). It’s like fifteen seconds. That’s it? That’s the big whoop? (I found one version where someone overdubbed her singing from PETER PAN during her proctology porn and it was hilarious.)

At a time when actual pornography is as easily accessible as YouTube, the fact that people would rather see Allison Williams’ little fifteen second snippet again tells you the power of hype and the genius of Lena. The real crowning glory will come when Allison Williams wins an AVN award. (which, by the way, is more prestigious than a Golden Globe)

So now I’m curious. What will Lena do next? I’m sure it will be audacious. Graphic childbirth? A girl-on-girl with Charlie Rose’s daughter? Lena will keep this show on the air for ten years. It’ll be getting 24,000 viewers a week by then but Lena will have her fourth book deal and third movie deal so what does she give a shit? I’m only sorry Colonel Tom Parker isn’t still alive to see this.

WARNING:  Below is a screenshot from Sunday night's scene.  It is somewhat graphic.  You're welcome to log out now if it's something you don't want to see.   But I just can't resist a caption.  

"No, I don't see the earring."

Woody Allen is coming to TV

So when I say that sooner or later EVERYONE in features comes to television, it turns out I’m right. Woody Allen has signed with Amazon to create a series that he will write and direct. He will bypass the Amazon pilot process where contenders are available for viewer reaction and comment.  His project will go straight to series.

Yeah, can you imagine some of the comments he'd receive? “Child molester!” “Hasn’t made a decent movie in years!” and worse: “Who’s Woody Allen?”

So what is Allen’s new series about? In the press release he said he had no ideas or even how to begin.   That's my dream pitch meeting.

I am assuming he’ll have complete creative control. Although, wouldn’t it be fun if he didn’t? I would sure love to be in the room when the Amazon junior executive gave Woody Allen notes.

“We are a little concerned that your leading man is 70 and his love interest is 20. And we’re sure it’s just an oversight, but the plot is pretty much the same as six of your movies. We also worry that setting the series in Paris, Venice, and New York could be a little pricey. We don’t want to tamper with your vision and so we’ve come up with the perfect solution. Instead of going to those cities, shoot the whole thing in Las Vegas. Same cities but all on the same block. Also, this is awkward but… we all read the script and everyone had the same reaction – didn’t he used to be funnier? Any chance you could punch it up a little? And it was sort of hard to follow on the page because all of the characters sounded the same. Could they all not be angst ridden neurotics?  Oh -- last thing:  We also think it would be helpful if you could submit written outlines for all your stories.  I'm sure we'll approve most of them.  Well, that's it.  We’re very excited.”

The truth is I’m sure Amazon doesn’t give a shit what he gives them. They’ve gotten what they want out of the deal – the prestige. Between this and TRANSPARENT, they’re really building a name for themselves. If Woody Allen comes in with something decent that’s just a plus. Or if he comes in with something at all. Let’s see if this actually happens.

Personally, I hope it does. I’d love to see what he does. (SHADOWS AND FOG: THE SITCOM? Just a thought.)

Is network scheduling still important?

Here’s one of those Friday Questions that became a whole post since I’m long-winded. If you’re strapped for time, the short answer is “yes.”

The question is from Michael.

NBC is giving up on scheduling comedies on Thursdays beginning early next year. Do you think it matters anymore when shows are scheduled? What percentage of non-sports shows do you watch in real-time vs time-shifted via dvr, on-demand, or streaming services?

Like I said, yes. Time slots still matter. I talked to a network program scheduler who said at least 50% of the audience still watches in real time.

Just because you can DVR a show doesn’t mean you will. You need to know about it first. You probably need to sample it first, and broadcasting still delivers the biggest opportunity. NBC put A TO Z and ABC put SELFIE on line weeks before their network premiers and both shows are now gone. Previewing shows on line is not a substitute for good time slots or following established hits.

The subsidiary value of monster hit shows is that networks can use them to launch new programs. So they have value beyond just the enviable numbers they receive.

A key factor for new shows is how much they retain the audience from the shows they follow. Drop 50% off THE BIG BANG THEORY and you’re gone. DVR and On Demand bonus viewers won’t help unless they’re spectacular numbers. America has voted.

And as long as networks base their expectations on their time slots the system will continue. In other words, CRISTELA is on Friday, which is a low viewing day. A number CRISTELA might get on Friday is acceptable. If it was on after MODERN FAMILY and got that same number it would be cancelled. I’m sure Netflix could care less what time of day and which day you watch a particular show. ABC does.

That said, networks are expanding into more streaming alternatives because it’s clear the handwriting is on the wall. In ten years (or even five) the percentage of people who watch network television in real time will drop significantly. It’s coming. Everybody knows that. New models will be needed and they better be in place. Networks are already behind the curve because they clung to the old methods for so long. But for the moment, scheduling still is how networks launch new shows and perpetuate programming.

And it’s also why networks pay such big bucks for sports like the NFL. Most viewers watch sports in real time. And they can’t skip the commercials. Sports also bring new viewers who wouldn’t ordinarily watch that network. So their promos for new shows get introduced to new eyes.

The network scheduler I talked to also told me a surprising thing. Most of the people who DVR shows still watch the commercials. I don’t know why. I zap through ‘em.

As for me, I’m one of those DVR people. But there are certain shows I really love and will watch them the night they’re on. THE GOOD WIFE is one. MAD MEN is another. Water cooler shows still draw large same-day viewers. THE WALKING DEAD and THE VOICE are two examples. Beyond that, for me, I couldn’t even tell you what night COVERT AFFAIRS is on. It just shows up on my menu.

The Golden Globes -- my review

First let me say the Golden Globes is to the Oscars and Emmys what the Rupert Pupkin Show is to THE TONIGHT SHOW. Especially this year. The nominations are staggeringly ridiculous and shows are in categories that bear no resemblance to the genres they belong in. So there is zero credibility and importance as to who wins.

Among the absurd snubs this year: THE WALKING DEAD, Tatiana Maslany, Lisa Kudrow, Julia Roberts, Maggie Smith, BIG BANG THEORY, MODERN FAMILY, MAD MEN, and SONS OF ANARCHY (well, everyone ignores that one). Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston gets nominated for wearing a back brace for her part. That’s “acting.”

As a reminder, the Hollywood Foreign Press is a grand total of 89 critics, some of whom are literally waiters. People win these awards for being generous tippers. Considering members of the Hollywood Foreign Press can be bought, some of them might be NFL referees.

But let’s travel over the potholes on Wilshire Blvd. to the Beverly Hilton Hotel where the red carpet is just out of view of a construction site (“Would you like a hard hat, Ms. Blunt?”) to review last night’s sanctimonious Golden Globe Awards. Helping me this year is the comedy writing team of Annie Levine & Jonathan Emerson. They pitched in some lines and stopped me from changing the channel when F TROOP came on MeTV.

First up was the NBC Red Carpet show, anchored by Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie. Matt always looks so uncomfortable. And why not? THE TODAY SHOW is getting killed in the ratings and all the other network morning hosts are in Paris covering the major news story of the day while he’s in Beverly Hills (adjacent) interviewing George Clooney’s wife.

Amal Clooney is gorgeous but scary thin. You won him already. Eat something.

Matt fawned all over her, stating she is an accomplished attorney who has handled high-profile cases, and Jon wanted him to add, “But none of that matters because you’re now Mrs. Clooney.”

Lots of the stars were wearing lapel pins in support of Paris. I’m sure when they were issued a few weeks ago they were intended to be in support of Sony, the hacked studio.

Helen Mirren wore a fountain pen on her gown in support of “free speech.” Hollywood cares. On camera.

When Bill Murray was asked how he felt about being a double nominee he said it was “better than being a double amputee.”

Savannah asked Eddie Redmayne what his process was for becoming Stephen Hawking? Jon thought his answer should have been: “I sat down.”

Nice of Savannah to remind Matthew McConaughey that “LAST year was really your year.”

With that new beard and mustache, McConaughey looked like either a Civil War General or outfielder for the Boston Red Sox.

Yeah, now Matt & Savannah need Amy Adams. They didn’t a few weeks ago when they dumped her interview and NBC publicly claimed she was difficult. But on the red carpet they were practically licking her pumps. You could almost see the thought bubble over Matt’s head: “Why aren’t I in Paris?!”

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler again were the absolute highlight of the night with their opening monologue. Some great lines and their dueling Bill Cosby impressions were both hilarious and tasteless.

Unfortunately, after that – ten minutes into a three-plus hour ordeal, the laughs stopped. Nothing was particularly funny, even Tina & Amy. Their bit about the North Korean film critic not only died. But it was reprised and died three times. (In comedy we call that a Nakamura – a running bit that doesn’t work… again and again and again.)

I think Hollywood is finally starting to hate Ricky Gervais as much as America does.

Emma Stone looked like a table cloth got caught on the back of her dress.

Again, the nominees for each category were selected randomly. And there are so many genres lumped together in these categories that it’s impossible to keep everything straight. I apologize if I sometimes get confused as to who won what.

J.K. Simmons won for Best Foreign Film. Now that he’s a Golden Globe winner maybe he won’t have to star in a bad new NBC sitcom this year.

Speaking of “foreign films,” since this is the Foreign Press, aren’t American movies the ones that should be considered foreign?

Joanne Froggatt won for Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, TV Movie, Stage Play, Musical, Puppet Show, Opera.

Jeffrey Tambor won for Best Actor and Actress for TRANSPARENT.

Naomi Watts looked like the world’s most delicious Easter Peep.

Half the show was winners trudging up the side stairs to the stage. It was like watching a security camera at LAX.

Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader were so unfunny I thought I was watching an old sketch from the CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE SHOW.

Every time they cut to Oprah she was overcome with emotion. I’m sure the tears were real when she lost. Poor Oprah can’t even win an award she can buy.

How come in the George Clooney film tribute they didn’t show him as Batman?

Show Business is so brave. They gave George Clooney a standing ovation for proclaiming: “We won’t walk in fear!” and yet NONE of them would sign his weenie petition last month denouncing Sony’s hackers. Forget the North Koreans, Hollywood is afraid of the Foreign Press.

Catherine Zeta-Jones came as a Catherine Zeta-Jones impersonator.

Amy Adams won for BIG EYES and thanked everyone but Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski, the two writers who found the project and toiled relentlessly for eleven years to get it made.

Best speech of the night was by Wes Anderson. Annie wondered if THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL won because people had mustaches.

Worst speech was Michael Keaton’s. I guess it was meant to be inspirational. You could come from a poor GRAPES OF WRATH background, brought up in a large family that struggled for every meal on the table. And still you could become a pretentious actor.

Prince and Claire Danes wore the same outfit. He at least pretended to be blind.

One of the Gyllenhaal’s won for something.

Kevin Spacey couldn’t find anyone to come with other than Kate Mara, the girl he killed in the season premier last year?

Most touching moment: Gina Rodriguez winning for JANE THE VIRGIN. Her acceptance speech was so heartfelt I felt bad that it wasn’t for a real award. I’d like to say this gives her show some much needed exposure but more people watch the CW than NBC.

Congratulations to Billy Bob Thornton for winning Best Animated Film for his work in FARGO.

Why didn’t they show Anna Kendrick? She looked stunning. Was she not wearing a solidarity pin?

Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda now have the same face.

They kept cutting away to Frances McDormand who looked like her husband had dragged her to a time share seminar.

Annie: I hate when writers give terrible speeches.

More people wrote BIRDMAN than appeared in it.

Jon thought Gwyneth Paltrow came dressed as Pepto-Bismol.

Keira Knightley’s print gown must’ve been an ode to her bug collection.

Did it seem like most of the winners had foreign sounding names or accents? Or was that just a coincidence?

Since there were no actual comedies nominated I forget which show won Best TV Comedy. Was it THE AFFAIR? Might have been. Or might as well have been.

I'll tell you what didn't win Best TV Comedy -- JANE THE VIRGIN, although ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY reported on its website that it did.  If you're going to screw up EW, at least report that SELMA won.  Oprah is so sad. 

And finally, in a salute to the big winner, BOYHOOD -- the show seemed like twelve years.

Look, the Golden Globes is a bogus fabricated TV “event” – much like the Pro Bowl. The best we could hope for is an entertaining fun silly show where shit-faced celebrities say things they shouldn’t and Salma Hayek has a wardrobe malfunction. But instead it was like attending Mitt Romney’s election night party.

Bring on the Oscars. Or even the Kids Choice Awards. They at least know that BIRDMAN isn’t a comedy.

Up next is...

From last Friday night, here's my wraparound for MURDER  BY DEATH, written by me and Courtney O'Brien.  Lots of names.  I stumbled a few times while taping this bad boy.  Join me on TCM next Friday night for three more Neil Simon films, including THE GOODBYE GIRL.  And now... MURDER BY DEATH. 

INTRO:


Hello and welcome to TCM. I’m Ken Levine – a TV writer and director, and here to once again shine our “Friday Night Ppotlight” on the work of Neil Simon. Tonight we’re going to bring you two Neil Simon double features.

In our first pairing, we have movies showcasing Simon’s tongue-in-cheek take on the mystery genre. For the second helping, it’s a double order of movies set in and around hotels.

Up first we bring you the 1976 murder mystery spoof “Murder by Death,” a film that is very much a sign of the times.

In the mid-1970s, parodies were incredibly popular. Writers and directors were spoofing many genres – Mel Brooks first parodied the western genre with the wildly funny “Blazing Saddles,” and then he took on monster movies with “Young Frankenstein.” the year before, Woody Allen gave his own spin to sci-fi flicks with “Sleeper.” so Neil Simon decided to take on the murder mystery genre, writing this film directly for the screen and drawing influence from Agatha Christie’s best seller, “And Then There Were None.”

In “Murder by Death,” Simon poses the question, “who is the greatest gumshoe of them all?”  He not only channels Miss Christie and her two major detectives – Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot – but also Dashiell Hammett’s Sam Spade, played most famously by Humphrey Bogart. Simon also includes his satirical versions of Nick and Nora Charles from the “Thin Man” film series, along with Charlie Chan.

All the names have been altered. Here you’ll meet Jessica Marbles, Milo Perrier, Sam Diamond, Dick and Dora Charleston, and Sidney Wang.

As you’ll see, Neil Simon and his producer Ray Stark rounded up an all-star cast: in alphabetical order, as they were billed: Eileen Brennan, Truman Capote -- yes, Truman Capote -- James Coco, Peter Falk, Alec Guinness, Elsa Lanchester, David Niven, Peter Sellers, Maggie Smith, and Nancy Walker.

Now. Warning: this is hardly a politically correct movie. Charlie Chan jokes alone are asking for it, but then to have Peter Sellers play the character – there are a few “yikes” moments in this film. From 1976, directed by Robert Moore, also with James Cromwell and Estelle Winwood, here’s Neil Simon’s “Murder by Death.”

OUTRO:

Though some of the jokes and puns may not work, the major problem Neil Simon had with “Murder by Death,” and perhaps an issue for some of you as well, was the casting of Truman Capote as the eccentric millionaire, Lionel Twain. Ray Stark, the producer of the film, thought the sheer publicity of casting Capote would draw an audience – and he was right. “Murder by Death” was a big box office hit.

But Simon thought Capote was completely wrong for the role – especially since he had no acting experience – and it showed.

Simon’s first choice for the role was Orson Welles, who wanted to do it but unfortunately had another commitment.

Coming up next, another mystery spoof from Neil Simon -- this one starring Peter Falk, and a film that blends “Casablanca,” “the Maltese Falcon,” “To Have and Have Not,” and many other classic Hollywood mysteries.

And then I said...

These transcripts from my TCM intros have been a hit.  (Hey, you get the info and don't have to actually watch me.)  Here's my wraparound for THE OUT OF TOWNERS.  Many thanks to reader Johnny Walker for un-capping the all-caps.   It was written by me and Anne Wilson.  

NOTE:  Tomorrow I will review the Golden Globes. 

INTRO:


Hi, I'm Ken Levine – a TV comedy writer and a playwright -- back again as your host for this month’s “Friday Night Spotlight” on Neil Simon.

You know Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong, will”? Well, that basically sums up our next movie. It’s called “THE OUT OF TOWNERS,” released in 1970, with an “original” screenplay by Simon – although it’s really more of an adaptation.

In 1967, Neil Simon wrote a broadway play called “PLAZA SUITE,” which was initially comprised of four, one-act plays that all took place at New York’s Plaza Hotel. Well during rehearsals, he realized that one of the stories – called “THE OUT OF TOWNERS” – didn’t really work.

It was about a man who, with his wife, come to New York to interview for a job – during which time, seemingly everyone and everything in the city appears to be conspiring against them.

But just hearing about the ridiculous mishaps were not nearly as funny as actually seeing them. So Simon took the story out, leaving “PLAZA SUITE” with ultimately three one-act plays. And instead, wrote the “OUT OF TOWNERS” as a screenplay. The result is the movie we have coming up next.

To play the leading man – who really gets put through the ringer – who better than the buttoned-up, yet always-ready-to-explode Jack Lemmon?

Lemmon was one of Neil Simon’s favorite actors, having already costarred in the movie you just saw, “THE ODD COUPLE.” and in turn, Lemmon was such a fan of Simon’s that he signed on to do “THE OUT OF TOWNERS” without even reading the script. Simon gave him the rough storyline over lunch one day and Jack Lemmon said he was in.

Oh, if it were that easy for the rest of us.

Playing Lemmon’s wife in our movie – with great comic timing – is Sandy Dennis, whose mousey character makes a perfect foil for Lemmon’s caged Daffy Duck.

Here, with appearances by Billy D. Williams and Paula Prentiss’ sister Ann Prentiss, who looks like Paula Prentiss. From 1970, “THE OUT OF TOWNERS.”

OUTRO (Note: the final gag is they are about to land back home in Ohio when their plane is hijacked to Cuba.)

Wow. I don’t know about you, but that ending really threw me for a loop. In this post- 9/11 world, it certainly plays differently than it must have to movie audiences in 1970.

But having said that, I really do love this film.

Interestingly, Neil Simon is a New Yorker through and through -- in fact, he actually became a playwright because he didn’t want to move to Los Angeles. Yet this movie is hardly a love song to his beloved city. We see the real New York – warts and all – with Simon incorporating a number of things that were happening in the Big Apple at the time, such as sanitation and transit strikes, crowded hotels and crime.

I mean, Woody Allen’s “MANHATTAN” this is not.

Maybe it was just his sneaky way to keep people from moving to New York. Hey, it worked on me.

Up next in our Friday Night Spotlight – a movie based on a semi-autobiographical play that marked Neil Simon’s first solo writing effort on Broadway. It’s from 1963 and stars ole’ blue eyes.