Dont cut the CUT TO's

Scripts are always too long. They just are.  Even when they’re the right number of pages. Read aloud and time any script. It’s too long. You have to make cuts.

And in many cases, that’s not easy. We have an expression in the writers room: kill your babies. (Lovely expression, isn’t it?) What it means of course is that you have to cut stuff you love. In comedy scripts that usually means laughs. Why? Because story is most important. If you take out story steps the audience might no longer be able to follow the narrative. Jokes are the tinsel and ornaments we hang on the tree.

Or you discover you have five versions of the same joke. Two (or four) have to go.

Whenever I have a long speech I always go back and trim it. You’d be surprised. There are ALWAYS trims.

When you’re on a show you sometimes have the luxury of saying, “I know the script is long, but let’s hear it. Once we hear it we’ll get a better sense of what’s working and what’s not and then we’ll make our cuts.” The good news is the decisions are easier; the bad news is that you might have a lot of other work to do on the script and even before getting around to making the cuts you’re going to be there till 2 A.M.

And sometimes you just “know” going in what’s eventually going to have to come out. You’re just delaying the inevitable. And the leaner and meaner you make a script before production begins, generally the easier your life will be.

Another advantage of being on a show is you can start an S.O..S. file (Some Other Show). You can bank jokes for later use. This doesn’t help much if you’re writing a screenplay.

Writer/blogger Earl Pomerantz has an interesting theory. He says you can always just lift page 8. As crazy as that sounds he’s often right.

But here’s what you don’t want to do (although many people do): widen the margins, futz with the template, and squeeze more content onto the page.  The greatest insane example of this comes from when I was a Story Editor on MASH. The script was too long so our head writer decided to take the “CUT TO’s” and “DISSOLVE TO’s” out. We said, “What difference does that make? The script will still read just as long.”

But he insisted and we took out all the transitional commands and sent the script off to the 20th Century Fox typing pool, where they re-typed scripts for printing. They didn't have the script five minutes before we got a call from the head of the department. “What the fuck do we think we’re doing?” As this head writer tried to explain to her his reasoning, my writing partner David and I ducked into our office where we laughed for five minutes.

The next day the printed script arrived. The “CUT TO’s” were back and surprise, the script was still too long. That night we went back and took out dialogue. Turns out that works better. Who knew?

Strict page counts are deceiving. A script with long block speeches can be 30 pages and be way longer than a 36 page script where everyone speaks in a line or two. The key is don’t try to fool yourself.

A universal truth is scripts get better when they’re shorter, tighter, funnier, with a better flow. I have way more to say on the subject but blogposts get better when they’re shorter too.

So I'll just conclude with happy ornament removing.

Driving Miss Zsa Zsa

Sorry to hear that Zsa Zsa Gabor passed away yesterday.  She was 99.  I had one encounter with her back in 1969.  I recount it in my book, THE ME GENERATION...BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s (which would make a WONDERFUL Christmas gift.  Hint hint.  You can order it here.), but I thought in honor of Miss Gabor (who was a Mrs. nine times), I would share it today.   This was when I was an undergrad at UCLA. 

Taking Italian “Pass/Fail” allowed me to barely pass and satisfy the language requirement. But I still speak it worse than the waiters at the Olive Garden. I was not enjoying Psychology so I thought I’d transfer into the Television/Film department. They told me I needed to submit a film or television program that I had made. I said, “Uh, isn’t that what I’m supposed to have AFTER I graduate and after you’ve taught me how to do that?”

Transfer request denied.

Still, I took a lot of television and film courses anyway.

There was an extra-curricular TV talk show that aired closed-circuit in the dorms. I volunteered to be a gofer. I’d like to say I gravitated towards television because I wanted to expand my horizons, but the truth is the assistant director was the heiress of a major national furniture chain and I had a major crush on her. I so wanted to sleep with her and get a discount on a new dinette set. Alas, "the store was closed" on both accounts.

One of my assignments was to pick up the guests if they didn’t wish to drive themselves. First up was Zsa Zsa Gabor. She was an actress/personality known more for her nine marriages than her stellar film work. She was one of the Gabor sisters (Eva and Magda being the others of course). Her movies were, uh... never mind, just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor as a 50-year-old Hungarian Kim Kardashian. She was appalled that I showed up in a Ford Mustang – like UCLA was going to send a stretch limo for Zsa Zsa Gabor.

We’re driving along in silence. Me in the front and she in the back as if she were in a limo. All I needed was the little hat. Finally, I decided to make a little conversation. I asked her what I should do about the furniture heiress. “Vell, get a new car, darlink,” was her first suggestion. I don’t recall her other tips (probably buy her expensive silverware); I just recall thinking how absurd this was that I was getting love advice from Zsa Zsa Gabor.

All I want for Christmas...

is Jews.

My Christmas movies recommendations

A CHRISTMAS STORY is my all-time favorite holiday movie. I’ve seen it probably fifty times, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched it from the beginning to end in one sitting. Like most people, I catch the annual 24-hour marathon on TNT or TBS or one of those networks with a “T” and see various segments at a time. Usually, by the end of 24-hours I’ve pretty much seen the whole film, albeit disjointed.

But there are other Christmas movies I recommend as well.

DIE HARD certainly. A company Christmas party goes bad but like Santa saving the day, Bruce Willis sweeps in and kills a lot of people.

LOVE ACTUALLY – Eight different stories interweave in this delightful romantic comedy (although it's much maligned). You’re bound to be charmed by at least three.  And you get Keira Knightley before she felt the need to change her body image.

BACHELOR MOTHER – Okay, this is an obscure one. 1939 starring Ginger Rogers and David Niven. A screwball comedy set in a department store filled with misdirection and confusion. Warning: Ginger doesn’t dance.

BAD SANTA – Very dark comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as a Santa who robs stores. People either really like it or they loathe it.  Sort of like with IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.   The sequel is coming out this year.  Can't speak for it. 

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS – All you need to know about this 1964 sugar plum is that 8-year-old Pia Zadora plays a Martian child.

ELF – worth it for Bob Newhart alone.

HOME ALONE – A John Hughes classic. The Macaulay Culkin “AAAAAAA!” movie that is still funny year after year.

STALAG 17 – Most people don’t think of this Billy Wilder classic set in a World War II German Prisoner of War camp as a holiday yarn, but it was set during a Christmas season. And it is a phenomenal movie.

SUSAN SLEPT HERE – This 1954 comedy starring Dick Powell and a very young Debbie Reynolds is one of my favorites because it takes place in my neighborhood and I think you can see my house from Dick Powell’s balcony. I don’t know if the movie’s any good. I’m always just looking out the windows.

There you go. I know it’s a short list, but if I see one more Scrooge reboot or fantasy with Jim Carrey in make-up I think I’ll vomit. Oh, and one final warning: There are a lot of bad Christmas movies and a lot of bad comedy movies but MIXED NUTS might be the very worst of both. It’s the “Aunt Edna’s Fruitcake” of holiday films.

What are your favorites... and least favorites? 

Thanks!

Thanks for your encouragement on my podcast venture.  And thanks for your input.  Just as I don't want my blog posts to be too long for easy consumption, I don't want my podcasts to wear out their welcome.   So a half-hour to maybe forty minutes it shall be (unless I get a great interview and then the length will be whatever). 

I will let you know the progress.  I hope to get it off the ground very soon.   Thanks again.

Friday Questions

Aloha. Here are some Friday Questions from paradise.

Wayne starts us off:

Now that Mike Nichols is no more, who is the top director of comedy plays?

I don’t think there is only one. Joe Mantello is pretty hot. So is Scott Ellis. And Jerry Zaks. I’m sure there are one or two others. Or seven.  At the moment I'm 7,000 miles away from Broadway.  What do I know?

From Stephen Robinson:

Do you think late-night TV has gotten too overtly political? My memory of Carson or Bob Hope specials might be too rooted in youthful nostalgia but it seemed like the political humor was less "personal" and could appeal to anyone regardless of their political affiliation. Yes, these are very contentious times but so were the 1960s. This isn't to say that I don't think there's a place for political humor but I've seen clips of Samantha Bee and even Seth Meyers and they come across more like slightly funnier Keith Olbermanns (and I say this as someone who enjoyed Olbermann's COUNTDOWN series).

Political humor is in now. Jon Stewart on the DAILY SHOW and Stephen Colbert on THE COLBERT REPORT showed there was an appetite for political comedy. With the 24 hour news cycle I think world affairs are more in the forefront of people’s consciousness and late night hosts are just reflecting that.

But let’s see how funny this all seems in another month when we have our new president. When the insanity is too real we might not be laughing. (NOTE: Let this not be a cue to start arguing politics in the comments section. I will delete them. I’m on vacation and not in the mood. Thanks.)

Friday Question from Jim S.:

Whose career would you have rather had, Larry Gelbart's or Ernie Harwell's?

Boy, that’s a tough one. For those who don’t know one or both of these gentlemen:  Larry Gelbart was a brilliant comedy writer – the Mozart of the form. Among his many credits are TOOTSIE, FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM, OH GOD, and creating the TV version of MASH.

Ernie Harwell was a Hall-of-Fame baseball announcer who called games well into his 80’s. He announced for the Brooklyn Dodgers, New York Giants, Baltimore Orioles, but is primarily known as the longtime voice of the Detroit Tigers.

Both were consummate gentlemen. I was honored to be their colleague, friend, and in the case of Larry Gelbart, co-worker.

Both were masters at what they did, both deeply loved what they did. Larry’s legacy will last longer than Ernie’s. His work, especially through MASH, will live on decades. But Larry passed away in his early 80’s and Ernie made it into his 90’s and remained razor sharp. So there’s that.

At the end of the day, if I was forced to choose, I think I’d pick Larry. But I’d be lucky just to have half the career of Ernie Harwell.

The deciding factor: As much as I love baseball announcing, comedy is just part of my DNA.

And finally, from ScottyB:

Last night, I was watching the latest episode of "Designated Survivor," which has been pretty damn riveting. However, the first five minutes (or a similarly painfully long amount of time) were spent listing what seemed like 50 producers, co-producers, executive producers, co-executive producers, associate producers, consulting producers, etcetcetc. I'm sitting there thinking holy shit, the number of producers on this show must outnumber the number of extras.

So my question: What the hell?

Most of these are writers. A “produced by” credit means a line producer, someone who is in charge of the actual production. But all the co-executive producers and supervising producers and co-supervising producers – they’re just writers. They get bumps in pay depending on their title.

Ironically, the one title that isn’t given (because it isn’t sexy enough I guess) is the only title that matters. Show runner. He or she will be listed as “Executive Producer.” But when you see those titles go by just think “writer, writer, team of writers, writer.”

What’s your Friday Question? Leave it in the comments section. Mahalo.