Black & Blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or joining me in Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Mickey Rourke after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.”

Lip enhancements are still the rage (as anyone who watches REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS knows). Here’s Meg Ryan. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Cox…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Warren Beatty, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is MODERN FAMILY'S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minnellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

The Dick Van Dyke Show in color

Tomorrow night CBS will show two colorized episodes of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  Both are spectacular episodes, written by Bill Persky & Sam Denoff.   VanityFair.com posted a great article about the show, and even quoted me.  If you any interest in the show, it's well worth a read.   You can find it here.   I'll be curious as to your thoughts on the colorized episodes when you see them tomorrow night.   8:00 PM on CBS.  

Friday Questions

Take a break from Christmas shopping to check out this week's Friday Questions.

Boomska316 starts us off:

Has there ever been a show, successful or not, about what goes on in a writer's room? Or about the making of a sitcom? It seems like an idea that would've been tried or at least thought of before.

There was the short-lived JACKIE THOMAS SHOW in late 1992 that ended in early 1993. Tom Arnold starred as an obnoxious TV star and the show centered on his writing staff.

At the time, Arnold was married to Roseanne and a lot of the stories were supposedly taken from real life occurrences from her writing staff. But knowing how Roseanne really treated her staff, I imagine the stories were more fiction than non.

By the way, some great people were on that show including Michael Boatman, Maryedith Burrell, and now-director Paul Feig.

Update:  And I guess it doesn't go without saying, but THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. 

From cadavra:

Do you think the reason the broadcast networks are almost completely overlooked by the Emmys and other awards is because the talent is trying to get some sort of revenge for the nets' micromanaging shows to the point that any life and originality have been sandblasted away?

By talent I’m assuming you mean actors and writer/producers?

I wouldn’t say revenge is the motivating factor. Creative people just gravitate to where they are most appreciated. For years networks still had a stranglehold because they offered a much larger potential audience. But even that isn’t the case any longer.

Actors tend to prefer non-network situations because they’re not obligated to crank out as many episodes.  It's less of a commitment.  You might make 13 episodes over an eighteen month period for Netflix whereas you’d have to produce 22 episodes over a seven month stretch for a hit network show.

But the real reason movie stars are now doing television?  They're getting stupid money for doing these series. That’s a way bigger incentive than revenge.

Liggie asks:

Is the Los Angeles economy *that* dependent on the entertainment industry? I've heard LA described as a "company town", but I know a number of financial services giabts are based there, as well as some major manufacturing and aerospace firms. I can't imagine the area going belly-up if the studios picked up stakes and moved to another state.

Oh no? See what happens to the local economy anytime there’s an industry strike. When there’s a major work stoppage, like when SAG went out, it had a major ripple effect on stores, markets, tourism, restaurants; even coffee houses.

Of course entertainment is not the only industry in Southern California, but it’s a pivotal one.

And finally, from David P:

So, a baseball related Friday question: If you had a ballot, who would you vote for in the HoF this year?

Edgar Martinez, Ivan Rodriguez, Trevor Hoffman, and Vladimir Guerrero.

I’d never vote for Manny Ramirez, Roger Clemens, or Barry Bonds.

What’s your Friday Question?

Hooray! Bill King is in the Hall of Fame

So thrilled that Bill King was just selected to enter the broadcasting wing of the baseball Hall of Fame. It is a well-deserved honor. Only wish it wasn’t posthumous. He died in 2005 after being a mainstay in the Northern California sports scene. He broadcast for the A’s and Giants, also was the Voice of the Raiders and the Warriors.

King was maybe the most articulate play-by-play man in the business. His use of vocabulary and descriptive terms were extraordinary. And it seemed effortless. He always had just the right word, just the right adjective right there at his fingertips.  At some point he must've swallowed a dictionary.

He also could call an exciting play in a way that was positively electrifying. I know he received this honor for baseball, but for money Bill King was the best radio football announcer of all-time. That’s right. ALL-TIME. His Raider calls were thrilling. Here’s just one example:



Bill King was truly an original. He sported a beard and with deep-set eyes and looked like the devil. But a sweeter, kinder, more generous man you’d never find. I’m honored to say he was one of my mentors. When I was learning to broadcast baseball he critiqued several of my tapes. I learned a lot from him. And I’m sure I’m just one of many.

He was also very eccentric. He lived on a houseboat in Sausalito. He only drove beat up used cars. When one would conk out he’d just buy another. He was a history buff and an opera buff. When he did television sports he wore a suit jacket, tie, and (out of camera range) shorts and flip-flops.

Bay Area sports fans have long cherished Bill King. So glad that the baseball world has finally recognized his contribution as well.

Ken Korach, who was Bill’s partner and is now the Voice of the A’s, wrote a terrific and loving book about Bill. I recommend it for anyone interested in reading about a larger-than-life personality and a time in professional sports when personalities, not generic-sounding interchangeable robots, were valued. Congratulations to Bill King. Only wish he were around to give the acceptance speech.  I'm sure it would be so eloquent you wouldn't think it was a sportscaster.  

Remember Pearl Harbor

For many it’s getting harder to do. 1941 was a long time ago. Even before MY time, if you can believe it.

And it doesn’t help that Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor movie was such a trainwreck it’s not like anyone has any reason to see it.

Do they even still teach it in high school?   

For me, Pearl Harbor Day is especially poignant because I’m currently in Hawaii. It’s not just a memory to the Hawaiian people who are still around – it changed their world.

Clearly this was one of the darkest days in our country’s history. On the other hand, it rallied the country and led the way to some of our most shining hours.

I take some comfort in that since I feel our nation is being tested yet again. My hope is that, as in times of darkness before, we will prevail and even triumph.

But for today, I want to just remember Pearl Harbor, the brave men who fought for our freedom and brave women who contributed so much at home. You’ve been called the Greatest Generation. My sincere wish is that we can live up to your example.

Mahalo.

Going to the theater with Jackie Kennedy

With the Jackie Kennedy movie out this Oscar (I mean “holiday”) season, I am reminded of the time she and I went to the theater together.

Okay, pick yourself off the floor.

We didn’t go together in the sense of “arrive” together, but we did sit together.

You’re still not buying it, but it’s true.

Backstory: Larry Gelbart had a play on Broadway called SLY FOX. (Needless to say it was hilarious.) My wife and I were in New York and Larry arranged for us to have his house seats.

We sit down, third row center, settle in and I glance to my left. Holy shit! It’s Jackie.  In the seat right next to me. 

During intermission I decide to get up and go to the lobby. As I pass by her I rub up against her knees (which were bony by the way).  Okay, that was a dorky thing to do, but that was my brush with greatness.

The next day I called Larry and thanked him for the tickets. I mentioned that Jackie O. sat right next to me. He got very excited. “Did she laugh? What did she laugh at?” I said, “Yes, and hey, you never asked whether my wife and I liked the show.” He apologized, asked us, then wondered if I could remember any specific lines Jackie laughed at.

I’d like to say that’s my favorite Jackie/theater story, but it’s not. Supposedly she was at a theater and bumped into Stephen Sondheim. She asked what he was working on. He had to really hedge. How do you tell Jackie Kennedy you’re working on a musical called ASSASSINS?

From what I hear, the movie JACKIE is supposed to be great and Natalie Portman is amazing in it. I’m sure I’ll see it (although probably not in Maui). I’m curious as to whether they got the bony knees thing right.