The great turkey drop and other memorable radio contests

Back in the heyday of radio, contests were a major part of a station’s programming. Especially when there were two competing rock stations (back in the days when the same company didn’t own every station in town). Some of these contests would wreak havoc in the community. Case in point: Treasure hunts.

The station would announce they’ve hidden a key that opens a vault containing a fortune somewhere in town. Listen to the station for clues. First person to find the key wins. The station would give clues to help you zero in on it.  So people were glued to their radios. 

What would happen unfortunately is that listeners in their zeal would literally dig up the town looking for that damn key. They’d dig up peoples’ backyards, government lawns, private property, public parks.  They'd bust sewer lines, gas lines, would dig up cemeteries.  A few even took jackhammers to streets. These treasure hunters would tear up their cities to win that key. Eventually, the government had to step in and ban these contests.

But there were others. You know the famous WKRP Thanksgiving turkey drop?  (You probably saw it last week during Thanksgiving.)   It was based on a true incident that happened to WQXI in Atlanta.

Many radio contests have gone awry. Back in the ‘60s, KFRC San Francisco was giving away a shiny new car. Their jocks were driving it around town. I think you had to guess the exact mileage, something like that. Anyway, KFRC jock Howard Clark totaled the car at Fisherman's Wharf. Oops.

Also, KFRC: They once had a “Location X” contest. They chose some super obscure town somewhere in the world, had a ten second sound byte of it, and listeners had to identify the town. The winner would receive a trip there. Clues would be given to narrow down the location. This was a fairly standard contest of the time. And by controlling how difficult or easy the clues were, the station could keep the contest going for several weeks.

So KFRC begins this contest at 6:00 one morning. They took contestants once an hour. The person on line either the second or third hour guessed it correctly. She had been to that town, and in the sound byte recognized a certain distinctive church bell. Oops again.

My favorite story involves my grandmother. She and my grandfather were living in Hemet, California, which is out the desert in Southern California. I was staying with them one time in the mid ‘60s, sitting at the kitchen table, listening to KFXM from San Bernardino. Meanwhile, my grandmother was in the kitchen making dinner.

At the time there was a hooded rapist who was terrorizing the “Inland Empire.” The station ran a public address announcement asking people to “help find the hooded rapist.”

My grandmother shook her head and said, “Such a contest!”

I so miss radio. And my grandmother.

MOANA: My review

This may be the only review on the entire internet that pans MOANA. Oh well. At least you know I don’t just follow the pack.

First off – the obligatory disclaimer: I love animated movies. THE INCREDIBLES was exactly that. The TOY STORY series rocked. Hey, I loved THE LITTLE MERMAID and BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. And even ALADDIN (both the Disney version and the one with Mr. Magoo). THE IRON GIANT is not to be missed. And the classic old Disney features are still thrilling even though mothers in those films get killed a lot.

So I went in to MOANA wanting to love it. At worst I thought it would be FROZEN with better weather. MOANA had songs by Lin-Manual Miranda, which alone is worth the price of admission. Hawaii is a favorite location of mine. I’m going there again this week (fair warning to the papayas). And Disney animation is just dazzling.

Happy to say all of that was in the film in abundance. The songs were clever (although not remotely memorable), Hawaii was depicted as lush and tropical and without Hertz Rental Car kiosks, and the animation was painstakingly beautiful.

But the story was just a rehash of every Disney animation trope. Plucky young girl protagonist. Father who doesn’t want her to leave the island. (“Ariel, don’t go to the surface.” “Belle, don’t leave the town.” “FROZEN-girl (I forgot her name), don’t leave the town.”)

Then it’s the adventure, bringing comic animal sidekicks (who do something at the end to save the day), meeting comic cohorts (who come back to aid the heroine and save the day), action sequences, heart-tugging scenes of homesickness, a magic spell, and once it’s lifted, flowers start to bloom where ice/rock/lava used to be. Everyone works through their issues, family breaches are all mended, the town/island/ocean/country is saved.  And anytime the heroine (who always has huge sized eyes) is reluctant or scared to move on to the next story beat there’s a big power ballad that propels her to do so. It’s very formula. “Let it go” already.

The story itself was confusing. Some demigod stole a magic stone, which created a lava monster, and a thousand years later coconuts weren’t growing right on an island so the heroine has to travel across the sea, bring the demigod to some place, and then do something with the magic rock. Huh? And the demigod has to do something too, but I forget what it is.  If I had trouble, I can imagine what the eight-year-olds in the audience were thinking. Along the way there are more rules that get thrown in, and the ending makes no sense whatsoever.

And the movie feels like two hours. Back when Uncle Walt was in charge he understood that 75 minutes was max. If this group was making SNOW WHITE today I’m sure there would be 30 drawfs. I was checking my watch an hour into the film. Even the animation, which is so extraordinary, loses its pizzazz after the seventh angry ocean sequence.

MOANA is making a shit-ton of money, and like I said, every critic has lavished it with praise. So take my review as the lone dissenting voice. Either that or some critics were afraid to say they didn’t like it for fear that they’d be in the minority or they'd no longer get fast passes at Disneyland. Lin-Manual Miranda will probably win an Oscar because (a) this is his year, and (b) what else is there in that category? There’s no Bond movie this year. But at the screening I attended, parents were taking their kids out of the theater throughout the entire film. Warning: There are a number of scenes that might scare the shit out of your little tyke. ( Either that or mom needed to use the bathroom and that was her excuse.)

I realize that most people don’t go to Disney animated movies to follow a great story or marvel in the advancements in the art of animation. They go because of the formulas. It’s reliable. They get songs, cute animals, a courageous heroine who is maybe voting age, pretty images, and it’s 90 fewer minutes parents have to entertain their kids. (I’m sure by the end of Christmas vacation parents will wish the movie were four hours.) But it bothers me that critics are comparing MOANA to the best of Disney. That it is not.

I also worry that when they do the inevitable Broadway stage musical of MOANA people in the first twenty rows are going to get soaked.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS meets Mad Men

I'm re-posting this because it's always one of my most requested posts. And it's perfect for the upcoming holiday season.  

A holiday tradition is A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and we pretty much have a Mad Man to thank for it. John Allen was a Don Draper at McCann-Erickson in the mid 60s. On behalf of Coca-Cola he was lobbying for Charlie Brown. It would be the first animated adaptation of Charles M. Schultz’s classic PEANUTS comic strip. But Allen had to really twist arms because in typical fashion, CBS hated it.

They thought the animation was awful, the story too thin and depressing, the jazz score inappropriate for kids, and of course wanted a laugh-track. I'm surprised they didn't require a laugh-track on THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

And CBS was especially opposed to Linus reciting the story of the birth of Christ from the Bible. What the hell is that doing in a Christmas Special?

Oh, and they didn’t like that children were doing the voices of the…uh, children. In other words, all the things that made it distinctive; all the things that made it great. One high-ranking CBS program executive/visionary said it was a “piece of shit”.

And CBS had a lot riding on this. It was going to pre-empt THE MUNSTERS and follow GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. The quality had to be top notch to join that pantheon of excellence.

But John Allen pushed and pushed and finally persuaded the reluctant program chief to air the special. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS premiered 51 years ago this month.

And got a 50 share.

It won an Emmy and a Peabody and became an instant holiday classic. I guess children doing the voices of children did not result in a viewer revolt.

CBS began running the special every year (taking credit for it of course). And it achieved the almost unheard of feat of getting higher ratings year after year. By 1969 it was scoring a 53 share.

CBS continued to air the special until 2000. ABC then took over. Don't know what channel it's on this year, but I'm sure someone is playing it tonight.  Or you can go on Netflix or Hulu.  I bet it gets a 50 share on Netflix too. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHARLIE BROWN.

And thanks to John Allen.

Okay, you can start playing Christmas music now

Now that Thanksgiving is over and it's no longer August, it's okay for radio stations to start playing Christmas music.  (As if you've been waiting for my permission.)

There are number of stations that have switched to an All-Christmas music format.  They usually do gangbusters in the ratings.   I believe the trend began with a station or two in Phoenix.  KOST in Los Angeles picked it up and it filled their stockings with cash. 

Personally, I can't listen.  When I was in high school my part-time job was in a record store and of course during the Christmas rush I worked twelve hours a day.  And we played nothing but Christmas music.  I still can't hear Johnny Mathis without having Vietnam flashbacks.

But there are some Christmas songs I do like.  And it's always kind of refreshing to hear them again (SPORADICALLY!).  

I know it's schmaltzy but my favorite is "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters.  Sorry but it gets me every time.   And there's no cover version that even comes close to Karen. 

There's something nostalgic and heart-warming about hearing Nat King Cole's "Christmas Song."  (I love how many of the classic Christmas songs were written by Jews.)

Beyond that, I like a lot of the old early rock Christmas tunes.   The Phil Spector Christmas album (I wonder how he's doing in prison these days), "Little St. Nick" by the Beach Boys, and who doesn't love Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree?"    Of more recent vintage I love Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You."

And when I'm in a more traditional mood, I head right to Linda Eder's Christmas album.   If you're not familiar with her, Linda Eder is a spectacular singer.   Here's an example:

I don't even like that song, but I like her version.

Since I hear the same six Christmas songs over and over on the radio I can't imagine what a 24-hour Christmas music station must sound like.    Whereas news stations have "Traffic on the 4's", do Christmas stations have "Feliz Navidad on the 4's?"  How many times do they play Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" on that format?   Even if you're a fan of those stations, by December 23rd aren't you ready to arbitrarily just punch people?

But like I said, at least we're close to December.   So it doesn't bother me that Christmas music has returned to the airwaves.  It will bother me again however, when they're still being played in April.

the James Bond movie you probably never saw

There's always a cable network that this month shows a James Bond marathon.  Usually six times.  Last year I caught ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE. I don't think I had seen it since it first came out... in 1969. It’s pretty much the forgotten Bond film because it was the only one that starred George Lazenby. He had the misfortune of replacing Sean Connery and for good measure, was not an accomplished actor. He was more of a male model.

At the time he was skewered by the critics and public, and the movie essentially became the Fredo of the series.

But watching it again in retrospect, I have to say it was not that bad. In fact, it was way better than a lot of the later idiotic MOONRAKER and later Bond films. In one, Denise Richards plays a nuclear physicist for Crissakes!

Lazenby was not very good, and it was hard for me to really take him seriously since he looked like a more handsome Soupy Sales, but he sure wasn’t much worse than Timothy Dalton. He tried to have fun with the role, and so what if for one movie James Bond was a little goofy?

But the plot was pretty good. It stayed very true to Ian Fleming’s book and was a lot more realistic than later 007 adventures where he’s on the moon or taking Denise Richards seriously.

Telly Savalas supplied the necessary panache required for a Bond super villain. And also the necessary stupidity to tell Bond his world domination plan and save killing him for later instead of just putting a bullet in his head and going back to stroking his cat.

The Bond Girl was leggy Diana Rigg. And anyone who grew up watching THE AVENGERS in the ‘60s was already madly in love with her.   So this perpetual adolescent was way on board in this most-crucial category. 

The film also featured that great John Barry score with all those familiar kick-ass guitar instrumentals.  (Think about it -- when you go to a James Bond movie you NEVER come in late.  You're ALWAYS there for the beginning and that guitar lick.) 

But the best thing about ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE was that I hadn’t seen it in so long. I’ve probably seen every other Bond movie at least twice. Don’t you notice that when you come across a Bond marathon you always recognize the movie? You don’t always remember which one it is – you go “Oh yeah, the stupid Egypt one” or “the stupid Swiss Chalet” one -- but you watch the action sequence that you’ve seen already nine times. You try not to think how old that Bond girl is today, and you just resign yourself to whoever Bond is at that moment even if it’s not your favorite. (And by the way, although most people claim Sean Connery is their fave, there are a lot of folks who grew up on Roger Moore and prefer his interpretation. I can’t argue with that.) But it was great fun to watch sequences I hadn’t seen in decades. Even though some of the shots were adventures in bad blue screen -- the action, the James Bond theme, and the twenty guys after 007 all in matching uniforms shooting and missing at least 20,000 times (you’d think super villains could afford better marksmen… I mean, how much must those secret hilltop high-tech compounds that commision cost? Explosives alone have to be in the tens of thousands.) it still adds up to a real adrenaline jolt.

And then there’s the ending. I won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen it or read the book, but suffice it to say this movie does not have your typical Bond in a raft with Carey Lowell wrap-up.

So look for the inevitable Bond marathon coming later this month (or this week). Because ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE stars George Lazenby it’s usually buried in the middle of night. But record it. You might be pleasantly surprised. And you can fast-forward through the miles and miles of commercials. Of all the gadgets that Q has invented, nothing comes close to the DVR.

Remembering Florence Henderson

Like everybody, I was so sad to hear that Florence Henderson passed away Thursday.  She was 82.   I didn't really know her personally.  We met briefly one time at Dodger Stadium when she sang the National Anthem.  (She was a terrific singer.  Did you know that before Carol Brady she was a big Broadway musical star?)   We shared the same birthday and I think that's what we talked about in our two minute conversation.  So I can't give any real first-person account.

However, my daughter Annie and her writing partner, Jon Emerson, wrote an episode of INSTANT MOM (starring Tia Mowry) in which Ms. Henderson was a guest star.  They got to spend the day with her.  I asked Jon if he would share their recollection with her and he graciously wrote this post for the blog.   As you'll see, it's a terrific profile of a special woman.  Thanks, Jon.

Jon is right above her, Annie to her left

Writing the Mother's Day episode of a show called Instant Mom comes with a lot of network pressure. We pitched a story and were told “more.” We dutifully added more and were again told “more.” We added dancing, too many balloons, a mud fight, and thirty-five hundred other bits and gags. “More.”

We pitched having Florence Henderson show up and never heard from them again.

The episode centered on Stephanie's (Tia Mowry) first Mother's Day with her new family. Stephanie is crushed when the kids ignore her, only to realize that she forgot her own mother, Maggie (Sheryl Lee Ralph). She hastily takes Maggie for a spa day, but ruins the whole thing by moping about being ignored. Maggie suggests that the kids ignored Stephanie because they have a “real” mother, prompting a huge fight. Stephanie starts to fear if there's any truth to that. Is being a stepmom somehow less valid than being a “real” mom?

It's a fairly heady premise, so we needed a fun way for Stephanie to work through her concerns. We thought, “What if she went into the sauna and Carol Brady was there to tell her off?” That quickly ballooned to having the sauna filled with classic sitcom mothers, many of which we were lucky enough to book. But Florence Henderson was always the top of our list.

We knew Florence Henderson for about four hours. She was modest, kind, sharp, and had a mouth to make David Mamet blanche. She came into the scene cold and nailed every joke. She was even nice to the writers.

Reading tributes written by people who really knew her only confirms what we felt at the time: if you met Florence Henderson, you met Florence Henderson. No pretense, no ego, no playing up to a character that will be indelibly linked with her name. Carol Brady wishes she could be her.

The mothers in the sauna ended up being Florence Henderson, Marion Ross, Jackée, Meredith Baxter, and Tempest Bledsoe (makes sense in the scene).

A few takes in, Florence and Marion started to get punchy. (When the show reached out to see if they'd be willing to do the episode, they each agreed on the condition that we call the other to come do it too. Let that melt your heart for a moment.)

Here now is our favorite memory of working on Instant Mom, transcribed from an outtake we asked to have burned on a DVD. A DVD we will now have bronzed. The first line was from the script. Florence takes it from there.

MARION ROSS: Once you do that, everybody knows you’ve jumped the shark.

FLORENCE HENDERSON: Jump the shark? What does that mean?

MARION: They wanted me to say “fuck the shark” but I said no.

FLORENCE: Because everybody in Hollywood’s already fucked the shark.

MARION: You’re going to be sorry when that’s on YouTube.

FLORENCE: I couldn’t care less... So, Tempest, what was Bill Cosby really like?

However you imagined Florence Henderson, she was more.

Thanks again to Jonathan Emerson for that marvelous profile.