A truly BIZARRE unsold pilot

This is a show called CHOPSTICKS.  And before you call the PC Police, it's actually a children's game show that did not get on the schedule in 1958.  Considering what did back then, you've got to be pretty awful to not make the grade.  Aside from how utterly clunky it is, check out the African-American contestant.  Ever hear of him?  At one point he does a duet with June Christy and around the 18 minute he plays the organ.  The kid can play. 

And the girl, Janie Getz became a top jazz pianist and songwriter.  Quite the panel.

Another "How I almost got fired" radio story

Here’s another censorship story – and also one of my early days in radio stories. Except this time I was the censor.

In late ‘72/early ’73 I was a board op (glorified name for engineer) at KLOS, Los Angeles. You know today’s “Classic Rock” stations that play Layla and everything ever recorded by the Allman Brothers? That’s what they played then, when it was just considered music to get stoned by.

The disc jockeys and engineers sat in booths facing each other, separated by glass. We communicated through an intercom. As an engineer, it was my job to play the music and commercials. Back then we still played “records” – these round vinyl thingys. There must be one in a museum somewhere.

But on Sunday nights KLOS abandoned its format of being your “Emerson, Lake & Palmer station" for public service programs (required by the FCC). One of these was “Impacto” hosted by Joe Ortiz -- a call-in show centering on Hispanic issues. I was the engineer.

A lot of the callers were unaware I assume that you were not allowed to swear on the air. I was forever diving for the kill button. I kept telling Joe he had to remind his callers not to use profanity but he refused. He didn’t mind the barrage of f-bombs and he accused me of censorship. Even my pleading that we could lose our license fell on deaf ears.

So needless to say, things became very tense between us.

If he wasn’t getting calls he’d signal me to play a record. I would just grab one off our playlist. This was an important fact: the ONLY records you were allowed to play were those on the playlist. Disc jockeys (or engineers) could not just bring in albums from home.

So one Sunday night the calls were light. Joe gave me the signal, I reached over to our rack of 45’s, selected one completely at random and cued it up. For reasons I don’t know to this day, he introduced it by saying, “Now here’s a song that expresses the state of the barrio.”

With that I let this record fly.



Ortiz went nuts! Screaming at me. I wish there was a kill button on the intercom. After the show he filed an official union grievance against me. I had to go before the Chief Engineer and a union board for a hearing. The charges were dropped of course. They reacted the way you probably did when you heard the song.

My good name was cleared. I was given a new shift. But then I wound up with two people hating me -- Joe Ortiz and the poor engineer who took my place.

Friday Questions

Let’s kick off August with some Friday Questions, shall we?

Howard Hoffman follows up on my post about our first script:

My very first Friday question: Did you repurpose any of the material from that first script into any of your aired shows? If so, what should we look for?

No. Rarely if ever do we recycle jokes from past scripts. It’s not that we have such high standards; it’s that we have poor memories.

On CHEERS the great Jerry Belson used to come in once a week and help us punch up scripts. From time to time he’d pitch a joke, the Charles Brothers would reject it and he’d say, “Hey, it got a big laugh on THE ODD COUPLE.” Jerry (who came up with more original and hilarious jokes than anybody) would always maintain, “What went before is good too.”

Clark wonders:

How do you execute episodes of sitcoms where the script calls for a dramatic change in the set during that episode? A few examples jump out to me. Norm paints Frasier and Lilith's apartment. The bar burns down. Frasier and Niles buy a restaurant and redecorate it.

Usually you pre-shoot those scenes the day before. That gives crews all night to get things back to normal.

From Chris:

We’ve all seen the pilot where one of the main characters gets in a fight with the others and is about to move away but then they get him to stay and that's the start of the series.

Could this be considered a premise pilot?

No. That’s considered schmuck bait because no one really believes that character will move away.

A premise pilot dramatizes how characters meet or sets up the situation. Darrin Stephens meets Samantha and learns she’s a witch. Diane Chambers walks into CHEERS and by the end of the episode takes a job there. Jed Clampett discovers oil on his property and moves to Beverly Hills, that sort of thing.

There was a period where networks didn’t want premise pilots because they can test better than a normal show. Darrin learning Sam is a witch will test through the roof, but what do you do every other episode when he now already knows this? The trouble with non-premise pilots is that you spend so much time filling the audience in on the backstory and making introductions that the pilot becomes unwieldy and often unnecessarily confusing.

Rick Wiedmayer asks:

When you are hired for a directing job, how far in advance of the filming are you usually hired so that you can prepare?

For multi-camera shows it can be the day before you go into production. For single-camera shows you need several days for pre-production – to scout locations, plan shot lists, work out logistics and any stunts, have tone meetings with the showrunner, etc. But multi-camera shows are mostly shot on the same stage in front of a studio audience all in one night.

On the first day of production on a multi-camera show the first order of business is a production meeting. It is here the director goes over the script with members of every department. Wardrobe, swing sets, props, effects, any pre-shooting or challenges unique to that episode are worked out.

I of course, prefer to get the script a few days in advance so I can better prepare and anticipate possible problems. But the truth is, especially as the season grinds on, lead time evaporates and often scripts aren’t distributed until the day before production. I just roll with it.

But another difference between multi-camera and single-camera shows is that multi-camera scripts tend to change a lot more. After each day’s runthrough the script gets overhauled. It’s not unusual to get entire new scenes or storylines. A director must be flexible and able to re-stage and re-block for cameras on the fly.

Got a Friday Question? I might have the answer. And it might even be the correct one.

The comedy writing rule of 2's

If only this could get me membership in the Magic Castle.

I have this astounding ability to watch a lot of sitcoms and pitch the jokes mere seconds before the actors say them, almost verbatim. It’s an amazing skill. Houdini never could do that. Audiences are mystified.  Talk about magic. 

Of course, the truth is that after years of writing comedy I just can identify the most obvious punchlines. And there are shockingly way too many sitcoms that are guilty of this.

You might think this is a byproduct of multi-camera shows where rhythms have become stale and predictable, but single-camera shows are sometimes worse. They often resort to irony so it’s not even jokes. It’s catch-phrases or “Gee, THAT went well.”

If I can predict a joke it’s just lazy writing. Either that or the staff is just not very good. So I choose to believe it’s laziness.

What’s keeping me out of the Magic Castle is that by now you’ve seen so many sitcoms that you too can probably perform this psychic skill.

I blame the showrunners. Someone has to approve these clams. Someone has to say, “Yeah, that’s good enough.” Someone has to say, "Fine.  I've got Laker tickets." 

On CHEERS we had the rule of 2’s. If the writing staff was working on a joke and any two writers pitched essentially the same punchline we automatically discarded it. Didn’t even matter if it was funny.  Our feeling was that if two writers could come up with the same joke so could some audience members. And so it was quickly jettisoned. There was no debate. Ever.

When you’re trying to come up with a joke sometimes your first punchline might be the obvious one. Especially if you came up with it quickly. Learn to dig deeper. Is there a better joke? Is there a fresher joke? Is there something more unexpected? Maybe even something from out in leftfield?

Because sitcom audiences are more sitcom savvy your job is much harder now than it was back when we were writing CHEERS. And yet, I bet if you watch a CHEERS today there will still be jokes that surprise you and make you laugh.

Now I realize that not every show is CHEERS or is even going for the type of humor we went for. But you can strive to be the best in your genre, whatever it is. GOOD LUCK CHARLIE was a Disney Channel show but so clearly superior to other series on that network.

I know it sounds like a real contradiction. Comedy writing is a highly competitive business and yet high-priced comedy writers often get away with being lazy. I suppose it’s a matter of personal pride. Just consider this:  The last thing you want is for me to thank you for getting into the Magic Castle.

The best burger

Okay, I admit it. I love a good burger. I don’t smoke, do crack, drink Absinthe before noon, order waffles with whipped cream, munch on cereal that is frosted or contains marshmallows, or eat carnival food (which is deep-fried-anything-edible). I do eat vegetables, salads, some healthy fish, and Grape Nuts (that’s still good for you, right?).

But like J. Wellington Wimpy I enjoy a good burger now and again. My all-time favorite burger place, Cassell’s has closed (although they promise to re-open… actually, they promised to re-open a year ago – not a good sign). Bob’s Big Boy, once a chain, now still exists in Toluca Lake, and I’m still a sucker for their double-decker. Partly it’s nostalgia and partly because the location is across the street from the theater that will be staging my play, A OR B?


Burger preference is a very personal and emotional topic. Religion and politics pale. I’m sure a lot of you will weigh-in with your favorites and I’m holding my breath it doesn’t get ugly.

But recently Consumer Reports did a survey on fast-food burger chains. The winner? A California franchise called the Habit Burger Grill. I’ve had some. They’re very good. In N’ Out placed second. They’re kind of the gold standard for quality – cold tomatoes and other major features. Interestingly, of the 21 chains tested, McDonalds finished DEAD LAST.

They sell the most, but no one seems to really like them. And the other big franchises didn't fare much better. Second-to-last was Jack In The Box, and they finished just ahead of Burger King. I mean, when White Castle and Wendy’s whip your ass, what does that say? Even A & W scores higher and you have to be reeeeally hungry to order one of their burgers.

The clear message is that mass production results in mass rejection. Other categories surveyed were sandwiches & subs, chicken, and burritos. Subway finished second-to-last in sandwiches, KFC was voted the worst chicken, and to no one’s surprise – the worst burrito went to Taco Bell.

And here’s the thing: it wasn’t always that way (well, except for Taco Bell. That’s FEAR FACTOR cuisine wrapped in a tortilla). McDonalds used to be very tasty – we’re talking several lifetimes ago. Subway didn’t always put material in their bread that tire companies use to make rubber, and when Colonel Sanders was still alive, there was actually quality control officers who went from branch to branch to ensure the chicken was fresh, all eleven secret herbs and spices were prepared in the correct amount, and there was less grease in a bucket than in a 1967 Chevrolet Impala V-8 engine.

Fast food is obviously not great for you in the best of conditions. So if you’re going to indulge in a burger like me, or (God help you) a burrito – pick a good one. Don’t waste the calories and cholesterol on a Jumbo Jack for crissakes. Treat yourself to whatever you feel is the best. As for me? I might wander over to Five Guys.

Happy to report

Our house is on the other side of UCLA so was not affected by the water main breaking and subsequent flood.  You can imagine the traffic though.  All we need now is for Obama to come to town tonight for a fundraiser.  But thanks to all of you who expressed concern.