As I discussed Tuesday, networks are frantically rebooting old sitcoms. Soon they’ll run out of them. And then what? Original ideas are not an option. So they’ll start redeveloping drama franchises as comedies. Here’s a glimpse into the future and what TV viewers can expect:INT. VP OF COMEDY DEVELOPMENT’S OFFICE (2019) – DAY
The Comedy VP is taking pitches from the few comedy writers who are still approved. We CUT from pitch meeting to pitch meeting.WRITER #1: This is a can't miss idea. HOMELAND: THE COMEDY. I want to do a MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW type thing with Claire as Mary and Saul as Lou Grant. The terrorist leader could be Ted Baxter.
VP: Be careful with that. We have to be sensitive to all nationalities. The terrorist watchgroup is always on our ass. But we can now show Carrie giving a blowjob. That’s okay.
WRITER #1: "
Oh Mr. Berenson."
VP: "
Who can blow the world up with her smile?" I love it!
CUT TO:WRITER #2: Talk about "comedy gold" -- DEXTER as a Benihana chef. Can’t you just see it? “Hey, Dexter, where’s Manuel?” “Manuel isn’t coming in tonight.” Ha ha ha. And we set it in New Jersey. For the killings, instead of a weird abandoned warehouse, we give him kind of a fun man-cave. “Tonight we’re featuring Hibachi Mobster.”
VP: Single-camera?
WRITER #2: No. I see it multi-cam, in front of an audience. The first row might have to wear ponchos though.
CUT TO:WRITER #3: THE GOOD WIFE but set in a high school.
CUT TO:WRITER #4: COLD CASE but as a musical.
CUT TO:WRITER #5: CSI: BLYTHE. Here’s the twist: there hasn’t been a murder in five years. The CSI team is analyzing each others hair and using their sophisticated equipment to determine if they need to rotate the van’s tires. Think of the fun things you could do with all that equipment if it were put to other use. For instance: two technicians compare the molecular content of their sperm. I’m laughin’ just thinking about it. You could also call the show BORED-WALK EMPIRE. Get it?
CUT TO:WRITER #6: BLACKLIST with real blacks.
CUT TO:WRITER #7: I want to bring back THE EQUALIZER.
VP: (after a beat) Yeah…?
WRITER #7: That’s it. Just show the original. Trust me it is now a comedy.
CUT TO:WRITER #8: I know it’s a movie and not a former TV show but what about SAVING PRIVATE RYAN? They screw up and try to save Ryan Reynolds from making bad career choices.
Enjoy the 2019-20 season.