Phosphorus Agate Original Beautiful And Unique

Phosphorus stone is a type of rock that contains phosphorus so that it can issue the rocks glow in the dark and includes a type of rock that is often searched a lot of people, especially collectors and enthusiasts stone ring because of its beauty, especially those who like unique things and interesting.
Stone phosphorus is usually used as accessories such as stone rings, prayer beads or other types of accessories and jewelry that is quite interesting that many hobbyists who like stone rings especially find this stone.The uniqueness of phosphorus stone lies in its ability to absorb light from the outside, either sunlight or flashlight, and then reflect it if the stone is dark place. Besides used as various accessories or adornments are beautiful and attractive, stone phosphorus is also favored by many people who like adventure at night as street lights, both mountaineers or those who can roam the wilderness.This stone hardness level 5-6 on mohs scale or could be quite soft and brittle so it will be easy to break if squeezed hard object or have the same hardness with turquoise stones.How to Take Care of phosphorus rock to remain on.All types of rocks are made as stone ring stones require treatment in order to keep the shiny suit and durable, as well as phosphorus requires a nurse, how:

    Stone phosphorus should not be submerged in water because as it would weaken the mineral elements in the rock so it can not absorb light.
    Rock hardness level low phosphorus arouses stone easily scratched and broken, you should keep the stone in a safe place when not worn so as not to rupture.
    So that the stone remains always looks beautiful and shiny can be applied to eucalyptus oil or baby oil.Efficacy of phosphorus rock believed them, as jewelry to beautify and enhance the appearance da others.Price stone ring phosphorus can be said cheap compared to other popular types of agate, phosphorus can be obtained at a price of 100-150 rb to the size of a standard ring stone. Phosphorus stone color can vary like the color green, yellow, red and blue.

You can't say that on the radio

Here's another tale from my misbegotten radio career.  It's also a re-post from six years ago.

1972. I’m a relief engineer at KABC and their sister station KLOS-FM. That meant I played the records on KLOS and played the commercials on KABC. My shift on Sunday nights was to play the public service shows. As preposterous as it sounds now, radio and television stations once were expected to actually serve the community. A certain amount of their programming had to be devoted to public affairs. So of course stations would bury these shows in the middle of the night or early and late Sundays when no one was listening.

One Sunday night I see we have a new program scheduled. IMPACTO. It’s a talk show geared to the Hispanic community. I’m thrilled. It was live. Normally I played half hour tapes on how to fill out Social Security forms.

The host is Joe Ortiz. He’s relatively new to radio; primarily a community advocate. I ask, “What’s the game plan?” He says he’ll take calls and if there’s a lull I’m to just play a record. What kind of record? He says it makes no difference, just grab something KLOS normally plays. Sounds easy enough to me.

So he starts taking calls. And every other one starts off like this: “Hey man, I’m tired of this fucking shit…” Whoa! Every two seconds I’m diving for the kill button (we were on an eight second delay). I tell Joe on a break to remind his callers they’re not allowed to swear on the radio. He gets pissed at me. That’s censorship. No it’s not, I tell him. It’s the FCC. We could lose our license. He ignores me.

So for weeks I’m hitting the kill button so often you’d think I was tapping out Morse Code. Needless to say, our relationship was frosty.

From time to time there are lulls and he calls for a record. He says, “We’ll be back right after a little music” and I play Crosby, Stills, & Nash or whomever. KLOS was your classic rock station even before we knew the stuff was classic.

So one night the swearers aren’t calling. He signals for a record. I grab one from the rack and cue it up. He announces on the air, “We’re going to take a break but here is a record that expresses the perception of the Hispanic community.” I let the record fly. It’s “Dead Skunk In the Middle of the Road”.

Joe goes nuts. I show great restraint by not falling to the floor in laughter. I say, “It’s on the playlist. Who the hell told you to introduce it like that?”

So Joe files an official union grievance on me. I have to go before a board of the Chief Engineer and union representatives. I’m charged with being a racist. Once they hear my side of the story they fall on the floor laughing. The grievance is dropped and I’m completely pardoned. Better yet I’m taken off that shift.

For years I had no idea whatever happened to Joe Ortiz. He hasn’t befriended me on Facebook. I understand he's no longer in broadcasting. But ironically, his last on-air gig was hosting a talk show on a Christian station. I wonder how “Hey man, I’m tired of this fucking shit…” would go over there.

Friday Questions

Hello from somewhere in the Far East.   Here are some Friday Questions although where I am it's Saturday.

willieb asks:

Any truth in those "everybody has a screenplay" stories ("My hairdresser/valet/dry cleaner gave me a screenplay to read")? Have you been bombarded with sample scripts? If so, what's the weirdest situation you've had to deal with?

I’ve received scripts at my high school reunion, I’ve told the story about getting pitched a movie while making funeral arrangements for my grandmother, and a couple of years ago one of the host helpers during my mother’s condolence wanted to pitch me a pilot idea. When I announced minor league baseball people would come up to the press box all the time with scripts. It's not like there was great security in ballparks in Rochester and Toledo. If someone had the lung capacity to climb those stairs they could get in.

A director I know was attending High Holiday services one year at his temple and a fellow congregate pulled a script out from under his prayer shawl.

I’m sure a few of the working writers who read this blog could weigh in with their own appalling stories.

Cap'n Bob Napier wonders:

I just saw a M*A*S*H episode written by MacLean Stevenson. When actors do this are massive rewrites usually required or are they pretty good to start with?

I don’t know about that particular episode but yes, massive rewrites usually are required. One reason: they often give 90% of the good lines to themselves. But in fairness, they’re not writers. If I were to suddenly have a big guest role in a MASH or CHEERS episode I’m sure I’d suck. I’m not an actor.

I will say this though, Alan Alda’s scripts were terrific and we changed very little.

From Steve:

On a show like Cheers, do the showrunners or writers know where they want their main characters to wind up by the end of the series (e.g., Sam & Diane will finally get and stay together), or is that unusual and more typically the story arcs are just thought of season by season, or even every few weeks?

First off, it’s unusual that shows are so successful that producers can determine when the series will end. Usually it’s America.

In the case of CHEERS, we always thought it would be great to bring Diane back for the finale but Shelley Long had to be available and agreeable to doing it. If she were in Norway making a movie we were shit out of luck.

If producers know where the finish line is they’ll usually work towards it in the final season.  Graham Yost, showrunner of JUSTIFIED has said recently he doesn't know how the series is going to end.  Hopefully he does by now.  We're halfway through the final season. 

Some shows have built in endings. the war ends on MASH.  And of course, the final scene of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER? was filmed only a couple of years into the series, and since kids were involved and they have the audacity to grow, the producers were pretty locked into that ending. 

A bigger question than what to do for the finale is how long the finale will be? Networks try to make huge events out of these and stretch them from a half hour to (if they had their choice) nine hours plus an intermission. This greatly affects the storytelling. MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, FRIENDS, and SEINFELD were waaay longer than they needed to be but the networks got one last massive payday out of them. In my opinion, as good as all of them may have been, they would have been far better if they were only an hour.

Kudos to THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, NEWHART, and EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND for ending their series with half hour episodes. For my money they’re three of the best finales ever. And that's one reason why.

My partner and I have had three series and none of them had a planned final episode. Once the network says, "You're canceled! Now get out!" that pretty much puts the kibosh on your glittering two hour finale. If we knew we were doing a last episode of ALMOST PERFECT the plan was to bring back all the characters from our other two series and end all three at once. Well, maybe when our next series is canceled.

Ask your question in the comments section. Thanks. Have a great weekend wherever you are.

Ruby Gems is One Level Below the Diamonds

Ruby gemstone is another name of rubies, because the color is similar with pomegranate seeds. Actually rubies have color variations between young and old, such as pink to blood red (dark). Ruby stone in the group of minerals or mineral corundum with clear color properties (crystal aluminum oxide). While the colors are out in ruby ​​gem due to chromium or corrosion of metals that can be said ruby ​​gemstone types with high hardness level 9.0 on mohs scale or is one level below the diamond.
Usually the colors on a jewel is often used for identifying a gem itself, although not always true because there are many types of gems in various colors, such as sapphires that can have more than one color, begin to yellow, to blue which is called the Blue Shapire types the latter is included in the category of sapphire with the best quality.

While ruby ​​color itself there is only one color, the color difference lies only young and older color. While the colors with a high degree of clarity is generally used as a determinant of the quality of the stone, for example, the most sparkling ruby ​​color and clear in the category of best quality.

What is the Difference Stone And Stone Ruby Red Pomegranate? Both the name actually refers to one type of stone that is ruby, indeed some people have different perceptions, there is a mention that ruby ​​red agate including types of precious stones from the natural unseen while the ruby ​​gemstone as well as generally obtained from mining .

Related naming gemstones, either ruby ​​or other kinds of precious stones, generally refers to the character and style of rock, such as agate stone cherished degree because it has the prestige and style that is similar to the composition of arrows pointing up, the end is often called the stone stand for degrees , bagitu also with honey chrysolite stone, reddish yellow color that resembles honey, then rock types were often called chrysolite stone honey etc.

Good quality traits Ruby Stone
To determine the quality ruby ​​stone some collectors, especially with expertise can be seen from the color and clarity. Color pigeon-blood or blood red ruby ​​pigeon regarded as the highest quality.

I think I need therapy

I think I need therapy based on a very disturbing dream I had last night. (No, it wasn't that you didn't buy my book.)

First, I should mention that I’m not a great dancer. You know when clothes get clogged in your washing machine during the rinse cycle and the whole machine shakes so violently you think it’s going to break? That’s me during slow dances.

But back to dreams. They’re supposed to provide you with wish fulfillment. You’re making love to that one unobtainable person you lust after. You’re a superhero and you can fly. You’re at a Cubs World Series game (okay, that’s maybe too crazy). In any event, unconscious desires often get played out in the privacy and safety of dreams (your Democrat friends are not going to kill you because Ann Coulter is your nightly dominatrix).

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was at some party in a ballroom and there was a large dance floor. Very SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. (My dreams do have good art direction, I will say that.)  No one was dancing, but in the dream I thought to myself, “Boy, wouldn’t it be great if I could go out there and bust some moves? Wouldn’t it be cool if I were suddenly Fred Astaire?” I sighed and that was that.

When I woke up I thought, “Hey, I shouldn’t be WISHING to dance in the dream. I should be actually DOING it.” If I can't dance in my own fucking dream then when can I?

How pathetic am I that my fantasy is to wish for something? And that’s when I realized I was in need of professional help.

Now this could just be a by-product of being a writer. I’m used to playing out cool scenarios, but only on the page. Highly paid actors get to do the steamy love scenes I construct – not me. Actors get the big laughs. Actors light up the dance floor.  I get network notes. 

Here's another dream I once had.  This was back in the days I was writing for MASH: I was with Alan Alda and David Ogden Stiers. We were just talking. And then, at one point I stopped them and said, “No, David you say this, and then Alan, you say that.” I was rewriting people’s dialog in my dream. This too is not normal.

I hope to eventually work through these nocturnal issues. I long for the days I can actively play out my fantasies. I’ll let you know if that’s what I wish for in my dreams tonight.

Green Diamond Stone From the City of Garut

Garut green diamond stone is beautiful and attractive. Precious stones are included in the category of rock types of chalcedony and the original rock of the island of Java. Because for many types of rocks green color and prominent in the market and often the talk among hobbyists and collectors of people from outside the island of Java, Sumatra, Aceh and Maluku.


Some of the famous stone with characteristic green color idocrase types of stone from West Sumatra as local river stones and jade Aceh. There are also stone Bacan and some other rock types that have similar colors.

Arrowroot green stone is a type of quartz stone semi cheldony home island of Java or similar material with stone Bacan, but when seen quite different rock crystals. Regarding the beauty certainly not inferior to other green color stone stone even Garut market size can be a valuable stone ring Rp. 5 million.

Efficacy of a green stone Garut:
Similarly, the color stone hjau in general is a color that describes ketenagan and health, both physically or psychologically:

    -Describe the vision and maintain eye health.
    -Increase stamina and endurance.
    -Increased hope and optimism.
    -Calming the mind and feelings.
    -Etc., the rest leave it to the almighty.

That he was an article about green stone from Garut that are popular in Indonesia and has even famous to some place in the international.

thank you for reading this article, may be useful. Warm greetings from us. Signed gemstone zone.

There was comedy before 2005

As some of you know, I am in Andy Goldberg’s Improv Workshop on Wednesday nights. It’s always a blast. I did a scene a few weeks back with a fine improver (if there is such a word), John Content. It was a “Man on the Street” scene. You’ve seen those. Jimmy Kimmel does them frequently – an interview snags passersby and asks them various questions.

I was the interviewer and John was the “man on the street.” We got the preliminaries out of the way. I asked him his name and where he was from (New Orleans). The objective of this exercise is to force you to really create a “character.”

At that point John launched into a hilarious ridiculous story involving UFO abductions, space cows, God knows what. He got big laughs. But what made it funnier was that he delivered it all very matter-of-fact. As he was unspooling this absurd raft of bullshit a thought hit me. When he finally took a breath I interjected, “You’ve said some very interesting things. I don’t want to just slide over them, so let’s back up a bit. What part of New Orleans?”

This too got a big laugh.

John answered my question then launched into more outrageous nonsense, much to the delight of the audience.

I finally broke in with “What side of the street in New Orleans?” Again, a big yuck.

The bit worked for several reasons. First, John figured out immediately what I was doing and played along. And secondly, the construct was very funny. We all know interviewers who don’t listen.

But here’s the dirty little secret: I was essentially doing a Bob & Ray routine. Bob & Ray were a radio comedy team back in the ‘50s and ‘60s. Their sketches were uproarious. Always dry, always underplayed, but their premises were always absurd and their timing was impeccable. Although they did not do this exact bit, they did a lot of similar interviewer-guest sketches. Once John launched into his crazy UFO scenario I thought to myself, “This feels like a Bob & Ray sketch. What would Bob & Ray do?”

So two points I want to make: The first: seek out Bob & Ray radio shows. They’re hilarious. And two: comedy evolves. Current comedy has been influenced by what has gone before. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bob & Ray didn’t borrow some of their routines from old Vaudeville comedy teams of the early 1900’s.  Comedy wasn't invented in 2005. 

Just being a “funny” person isn’t enough. You need to do your homework. You need to study forms of comedy in the same way that musicians analyze the greats that have gone before them.

If you want to be a sitcom writer watch great sitcoms like THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, CHEERS, and twenty other classics. If you want to be a stand-up comedian watch borscht belt comics like Alan King, great storytellers like Bob Newhart, edgy comics like Lenny Bruce, edgier comics like Richard Pryor. Louis C.K. is fucking awesome, but he didn’t invent stand-up.

If the theater is your goal -- read plays by Noel Coward, Kaufman & Hart, Herb Gardner, and Neil Simon. Screenwriters -- watch Preston Sturges screwball comedies, and Billy Wilder comedies, and Mel Brooks parodies. Long before there was SNL there was Sid Caesar’s YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS. Yes, some of the routines are dated. But watch how they construct sketches. How they get in them and out of them. How they create characters.

Ask yourself the question: why is this funny? You don’t have to deconstruct every line, but figure out the game plan. Recognize and appreciate templates that work. And then make them your own.

Often you’ll find it’s a lot easier to get laughs by creating a funny comic premise than just coming up with “jokes.” I got laughs with “Where in New Orleans?” “What side of the street?” It was all about context. Do your homework. The good news is it’ll be the most enjoyable homework you’ve ever done.

Why it's cool to be a TV writer

I’ve bitched in the past about the frustrations of being a TV comedy writer -- notes, crappy food, etc.  So you might ask: “why WOULD I want to become a TV comedy writer? What are the pluses?”

Okay, how about these?

First – a disclaimer: these points apply to when you’re in a good working situation. No matter how “dream” the “dream job” is, if your boss is a monster, your co-workers are the Manson family, and the working conditions are a notch below the Triangle Shirt Factory you’re going to be in the sixth ring of hell. But assuming you’re in a decent situation (and many of them are):

You get to work in a big Hollywood movie studio (or maybe a warehouse in Chatsworth but there are still sound stages and stuff).

Parking is provided (usually)!

You spend all day working with funny people. And I don’t mean “Funny People” like the Judd Apatow movie – these people are ACTUALLY funny.

So all day long you laugh and make them laugh. Can you think of a better way of making a living once you’re too old to be a porn star?

Without having to give thousands of dollars to charity first, sometimes hot actors and actresses on your show will hug you.

You see your name on television.

People who thought you were a total loser see your name on television.

Words that you write get performed. Not by waiters but former waiters who are now TV stars.

You’re fed all day long. This is great for the first couple of years.

You hear amazing showbiz stories. Every so often one is true!

You receive a birthday cake from your agent. And, as a bonus, he doesn’t drop you!

You have scripts to donate for your kids’ school silent auction. (But do yourself a favor and don’t compare what your script brings in versus the MODERN FAMILY that another parent donates.)

As you hear other writers discuss their upbringing, you suddenly feel sooooo much better about yours.

You know the expression “women are attracted to men with a sense of humor”? The REAL expression is “women are attracted to men with a sense of humor who are getting paid for it.”

You sometimes get nominated for awards...

You sometimes win...

Sometimes a show that you write goes into syndication and pays residuals. In how many professions can you make money while you sleep?

People will follow you on Twitter.

When you have a blog in twenty years people will bookmark it.

You get show SWAG. I still get compliments on my WINGS jacket.

But most of all it’s that laughing thing. For all the hours and aggravation, being able to laugh all day is a wonderful way to your spend your life. Hopefully the bad food won’t shorten it.

10 Most Expensive Gemstone in The World

Most expensive gemstones - Precious stones have become an indispensable part of human life. Since thousands of years ago until now stone diamond ring is still in place as a precious and valuable objects. Even a rare gemstone can reach millions of dollars by one carat, especially for popular types of stone ring would have many takers.Price agate or gems until now there has not been a standard benchmark, but increasingly scarce and preferred buyer by itself price will be higher. Currently the most expensive and most popular rock still occupied diamonds and precious stones are the type most in the drill many collectors.some price of agate or the most expensive gems currently can be seen below:

1. Stone Diamond Hope

Including the most expensive diamond gemstones in the world. This gemstone is widely used for jewelry such as necklaces, pendants, rings or earrings. During this type of gem has become the epitome of luxury and lifestyle of the wealthy.
Purchase price is currently the most expensive diamond Hope to $ 250 Million / rust or equivalent to Rp. 2.2 Trillion. However, this gem is not just used malainkan jewelry as an investment, as a jewel with a limited number of price will be more expensive, while demand is increasing.The cost to acquire a valuable diamond high is not easy, begin the process of mining, processing until the cutting process for forming a diamond is certainly very expensive, palagi if the item was very rare.

2. Jade Necklace

Since thousands of years BC, jade has been used as a high-value jewelery. Rock with a distinctive green color is not only beautiful but is believed to be a symbol of good luck to the owner.Currently jade still being hunted many gemstone collector or hobbyist so the price is very expensive and rare. The price of the most expensive jade worth $ 27,440,000 US Dollars. Necklace consisting consisted of 27 eyes of jade is very beautiful and amazing.

3. Serendibite ($ 2.5 million / rust)

Serendibite rock categorized as rare in the world, so the price is very expensive. The optical properties of the stone yellowish green - bluish green and violet. 6.5-7 mohs hardness scale. Serendibite only found in two places in the world, Sri Lanka and Burma. Because in the category of rock muia Serendibite price reached $ 2.5 million / rust.

4. Blue Garnet ($ 1.5 / rust)

Garnet in the group of silicate minerals and has been popular for thousands of years as a valuable stone. This precious stone types have many variations colors like red, black, pink, green, yellow, purple, brown, orange and blue color (blue garnet) with the highest price.This gem types found in several countries such as America, Turkey, being the best quality of Madagascar. The color of this stone can change color. This stone price could reach 1.5 million US dollar / rust.

5. Painite (price $ 60,000 / carat)

This rare precious stones found in Myanmar and into the kind meneral borate (BO 3) and contains traces of vanadium that can change color. The first stone was found a merolog knowledge of English around the 1950s.

6. Grandidierite

A gemstone that is very beautiful but very rare, this stone was first discovered in Madagascar in about 1902.The naming of these precious stones associated with the name Alfred Grandidier (1836-1912) as a form of respect to a naturalist and French explorer who studied the natural history of Madagascar around that time.

7. Musgravite ($ 35,000 / carat)

Gemstone with a high price value was first discovered in 1967 disebuah mountains of South Australia. This stone has a hardness level of 8 to 8.5 on the Mohs scale.This stone is included in the family taaffeite (a mineral that was first discovered by Richard Taaffe in 1898-1967) Musgravite including one of the rarest gems on earth, so the price is very high. Until 2005 there were only 8 pieces Musgravite worldwide.

8. Black Opal $ 2,355 / carat

Opals are found in Australian opal and is the largest producing country in the world. However this type of opal is found in several other countries in the world, including in Indonesia, known stone maya.Kalimaya highest price or opal stone is a type of black opal (opal black) and in the category of rarest gemstones so that prices in the thousands of dollars perkarat.

9. Jeremejevite ($ 2,000 / carat)

Jeremejevite enter a rare mineral with the highest price. This stone was first discovered in 1883 in the mountains of Siberia. Rock hardness 7 on a scale of mohs.Harga 2,000 US Dollars per carat.

10. Red Beryl Emerald ($ 10,000 / carat)

 

Beryl is a mineral beryllium, aluminum and cyclosilicate with chemical formula. This stone has a variety of colors, green, blue, yellow, red, and white. Of the many precious stones Red Beryl included in the world's rarest kind.This stone was first discovered disebuah mountains of Utah in the United States in 1904 by a minerolog named Maynard Bixby so that this stone is also known as the Stone Bixbite as a tribute to the inventor.Although red beryl stones are among the most rare, but rarely do people know him than other types of gemstones such as diamonds and jade or other types of precious gems expensive, so not many who wear these stones as jewelry.That's 10 most expensive gemstone in the world today, sebagin including precious rare rock types which are not easily found in the market or if there is any, the price can be very expensive.

Origins, Type, Color and Price Stone Bacan

Origins, type, color and price Stone Bacan

For me discuss the world of precious stones is not a new thing because when the deceased was still alive my father, there is just the type of stone that made the talk. Well, so was in my office, there are only a few employees that hobby with precious stones, one of which is now always so conversation is stone Bacan. Therefore, I became interested in knowing how the actual origins, types, colors and prices of stone Bacan.

History Origins of Stone Bacan

Bacan stone is one of the natural wealth of the province. The term Bacan name, taken from the name of Bacan island used as a stone trading. In fact, the island's stone itself is Bacan Island which is located not far Kasiruta with Bacan island. Since 1994 stone Bacan become one of rock that are sought after by collectors of precious stones from abroad. While in Indonesia, Bacan rock became popular in 2005. In 1960 it is said that the first President of Indonesia, Soekarno been rewarded with stones during a visit to the island Bacan. Even more interesting, stone Bacan is important jewelry used by the residents of the four days of the empire of Ternate, Tidore, Jailolo, and Bacan.

Type Stone Bacan

Bacan stone is often called jade Indonesia. In general there are two types of stone Bacan in the market. First, stone Bacan doko types. Bacan doko usually dark colored hijua. Second, stone Bacan kind Palamea light bluish green. For both rock Bacan name was taken from the name of the village of the island which has a wealth Kasiruta Bacan stone deposits. Based on quarterly reports Regional Economic Analysis of North Maluku Province in 2012 issued by Bank Indonesia, that the Village Palamea and Doko Kasiruta West is an area of ​​artisanal mining region (WPR) is legal.

Price Stone Bacan

Due to the advantages of stone Bacan, then the price offered is quite expensive. Therefore do not be surprised if many lovers of precious stones from the Chinese, Arabs, and Europeans who seek it. In Taiwan Bacan rock known as blue jade or blue colored stones. Moreover, expensive stone Bacan also because it is the history of the origins of stone Bacan which has been used for four sultanate as jewelry. On the other hand, search Bacan stone increasingly difficult even to the excavation of more than 10 meters. While a good quality stone Bacan some are to be dug up to 135 meters below sea level.

As reported in the magazine Indopos, that prices Bacan stones that have been finished or in the form of jewelry such as rings and pendants per shit from Rp 200 thousand to $ 2.5 million or $ 1 million to $ 12.5 million per gram. While prices are still rock Bacan in the form of materials or chunks reached USD 40 million to USD 100 million perkg with super quality. A price for the layman does not make sense. But that's a fact, Bacan stones which have potential economic benefit. Are you interested to have it?

My (sort of) review of the Oscars

Since I am in Korea I was unable to watch the Academy Awards.  And no Korean channel shows them.  Maybe next year when THE INTERVIEW is nominated for Best Picture. So I wrote my snarky review before I left. I’ve done this before. Let me know how right I was.

Most people in America thought this was the first time Neil Patrick Harris ever hosted an awards show.

Harris had good moments but was better hosting the Tony Awards. And again, most of America is saying, “What are the Tony Awards?”

Spielberg did not attend because he wasn’t nominated.

Channel 5’s Sam Rubin gushed that every big star in the world was there and then was grateful to interview Richard Linklater’s daughter.

And at least one of the Red Carpet hosts asked her, “So you have the same last name as the director. Coincidence or are you related?”

Another asked her: “So Art Linkletter is your father?”

They did not take my suggestion for doing a Red Carpet Show version of In Memoriam for Joan Rivers.

You cannot remember who hosted last year’s Oscarcast. You probably can’t remember who won Oscars last year either although, as a hint, they were presenters this year. You still can’t name them, can you?

More people here in China know who is Rita Ora is than in America.

Anna Kendrick looked spectacular. So did Sienna Miller.

You’d think after totally fucking up last year, the Academy would not have John Travolta be a presenter again. How many stars had to say no for this to happen?

There was a bit using the audience that surprisingly worked thanks to Neil Patrick Harris.

Julianne Moore was a lock. She played the more fashionable disability this year.

Lots of jokes about how "white" the nominations were.   And lots of African-American presenters so the Academy could save face. 

Eddie Murphy came off bitter.  Why isn't he a bigger star?  Because he's always bitter. 

If BOYHOOD had followed nine years of the kid’s life instead of twelve there would have been no contest.   As it is, the Best Picture went to B_______.


Mickey Rooney and Shirley Temple, who were mega stars in the ‘30s and ‘40s only got fleeting mentions in the In Memoriam section.

Remember how “concerned” and stricken Hollywood was over free speech and Paris at the Golden Globes? Not a word mentioned at the Oscars.

However, you would think that Amy Pascal, who took the fall for THE INTERVIEW, was the martyr of all-time. She was acknowledged six or seven times. Amy of Arc.

It was sad that Glen Campbell couldn’t sing his Oscar nominated song.

No Hollywood star knows how to read a teleprompter.

Jennifer Lopez’s tits almost popped out of her dress, which is why she is still considered a movie star.

When you saw Kevin Hart, did you say (a) “he’s really short” or (b) “How is he a movie star?”

Tegan and Sara were hot. Well… Sara was. Of the two identical twins she clearly got the looks.

FOXCATCHER won the award for Best Picture nominee that most academy members hated.

Ben Affleck was a presenter and there was a Batman joke. Yawn.

There were also eight FIFTY SHADES OF GREY jokes. Better do them now. It won’t be nominated for anything next year (since there’s no category for props).

At least the Grammys had Kanye West to liven things up. There were two Kanye West jokes – one in the opening monologue.

The intrusive play-off music began the minute any winner acknowledged his dearly departed mom/dad/grandfather/manager/pet. 

Lady Gaga was a hit.   Even though she's never been in a movie and was only there as a blatant desperate attempt to get young viewers.  Still she kicked ass... even without Tony Bennett.  

And she didn’t wear a meat dress, although that would not have been the worst gown of the night.

There were at least two shots of Oprah in the audience unhappy.

There were billboards in LA for the film VIRUNGA the last few weeks. Yes, I know – what is VIRUNGA? Best Documentary films now mount campaigns.

Jennifer Aniston was a presenter in the hopes that the Academy will nominate her the next time she does a courageous role where she wears no make up.  In the meantime, back to stupid comedies with Adam Sandler.

The show ran long.  

Okay... so how did I do?   

A horrible way to lose an award

Helping you to get in the mood for yet another awards show, here’s another of my old war stories.

My partner David and I were head writers of MASH. We had a very small staff so quite a few scripts were assigned to freelance writers. Some, like Everett Greenbaum & Jim Fritzell and Tom Reeder did terrific work and most of their first drafts are what you see on the screen. But others didn’t pan out as well. In those cases, David and I would rewrite their scripts (often 100%). Since the plotting of MASH was somewhat intricate, it was always easier for me and David to break the story and write the outline ourselves. The freelancer would come in, we would hand him the story and talk him through it.

Never did we try to share credit. We figured that was part of our staff responsibilities. Most shows operate that way, or at least they did.

Anyway, we get a very disappointing draft and do a page-one rewrite. It’s now award season. We get nominated for writing (not the Emmys). And this freelancer gets nominated for that script.

And we lose.

To him.

Essentially we lost to ourselves. Ouch!!

So good luck to all the Oscar nominees. I hope you win, and if not, I hope you at least lose to someone else.

Check in tomorrow for my review of the Academy Awards -- that I wrote last week. 

My version of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

This is a re-post from several years ago when the book came out.  But with the movie now out and doing boffo business I thought it would play better now than when I originally wrote it.  

 

In case you’re one of the eight who haven’t read or seen it yet – it’s a love story about a college graduate, Ana and her kinky boyfriend, billionaire Christian Grey. It’s only told from Ana’s side, and we get her account in minute detail. There’s not an expression she doesn’t over-analyze, a line of dialogue she doesn’t examine for hidden meaning. Add to that, she has her inner goddess and subconscious chiming in every other paragraph. I kept yelling at the Christian character: “Gag her!!”

That said, it’s shattering sales records worldwide. It will sell a lot more books than mine, but it’s my own fault. Silly me, I didn’t have a room of pain in my tract house in Woodland Hills.

Still, I figured a way to get on the bandwagon. Why not write the same book but from Christian’s side? So I did. As a gift to you loyal readers and a way of saying thanks for buying my book (you have bought my book, haven't you?), I’m going to give it to you for free. See what you think?

I spend most of my time in my giant swank office. I’m the equivalent of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs except I’m also gorgeous looking and not dead. I preside over a massive global conglomerate that feeds the poor (thus making me likeable) and brings in billions. I’m always on the phone speaking generically. “Get me those numbers, Ted.” “That sounds risky, I’ll need to look over the proposal.” “Reschedule the acquisitions team for Monday at 3:00.” So you can plainly see I’m legit.

On Friday night I fly down to Portland to see my brother and pick up some items from a hardware store. I fly my own helicopter. I also play concert piano, have read and can quote the classics, collect fine art and first editions, and look awesome in jeans. It’s clear I’m an expert helicopter pilot because I say things to the tower like, “Charlie-Tango descending to 1000 feet.” Don’t even try to make sense of it. You have to be a pilot.

I go back to Seattle because I need to be at my desk and look over reports when I tell people on the phone, “Have Brian call me tomorrow, and I want a meeting with his people.”

But before you know it I fly back to Portland to speak at a college graduation. My speech goes over well because I’m incredibly charismatic. Those kids hang on every generic word.

Home again in Seattle I drive to Bellvue to have dinner with my equally wealthy step-parents and siblings. They have a large mansion. The food is delicious.  I'm a foodie and wine connoisseur too.  

A few more days of taxing business decisions (“I’m not going forward till I see the projections!”) and I need to take the corporate plane to Savannah, Georgia. As you know, I’m also an expert glider pilot. But my trip is cut short. A business emergency.

I fly back to Seattle and now on the phone I use an angry tone. “Unacceptable!” “Call Gary. We have to re-think this.” That’s me in crisis mode – firm but in complete control.

And that’s about it. Oh wait. During this period I also banged a high-maintenance loony college chick.

Hmmmm. Now I that read it over, it might be a little short for a novel. What do you think? I’ll add a scene where he walks on water.

Friday Questions

Hello from Beijing.  Where are all the Olympic athletes?  Did I miss it?  Oh well.  It’s Friday question day. What’s yours?

Damian J. Thomas wants to know:

Why do TV series waste my time with retrospective episodes? Some episodes simply show parts of the same stuff I’ve already seen. Was someone, such as the head writer, on vacation that week?

Retrospectives are a cheap way to fill out a season’s worth of shows. They generally do well in the ratings. And networks promote the crap out of them.

One of the most horrifying experiences in my life involves a retrospective. I was taking an MRI (already a heart pounding endeavor). Mirrors were set up in the tube that allowed patients to watch a television. So there I was, claustrophobic, not allowed to move even an inch, for 45 minutes, forced to watch the NANNY retrospective.

Years ago I pitched a sitcom pilot to NBC. When it was time for questions one network whiz asked (in a straight face yet): “What’s the first episode of season seven?” I picked my jaw off the floor and said, “The clip show featuring all the classic moments from the first six years.” I wanted to add but didn’t: “What the fuck do you think is the first show of season seven? How the fuck would I know that? Are you insane?” They didn’t buy the show.

Retrospectives are great for writers. They get royalties for any clips used from their episodes. My partner and I cleaned up on MASH and CHEERS. I think on CHEERS they used something like 25 of our episodes. After that, anytime in the writing room we were stuck on a story at CHEERS I would say, “Let’s just scrap this and do another clip show!”

We were there during the MASH retrospective and although it was cheap to produce it required five times the effort on our part to put it together. For a month every night after we finished our writing we drove to a production house in Hollywood and screened episodes until midnight or 1 AM. Then came the impossible task of culling seven years of great highlights into one expanded episode.

An additional problem is determining the format for the clips. There is the wraparound approach. This can be real dicey. I remember one series got around this problem by having their characters being robbed. While tied up together in the kitchen, to pass the time (as all bound families do) they started reminiscing. “Hey, remember the time you wrecked the car?” And then they’d show the clip. Smooooth.

Nowadays shows tend to steer away from that artful device. On CHEERS we took the cast out of character and put them on a panel. They answered a moderator’s questions and we used the clips to support those answers. Other shows use just strictly clips tied together by graphics or voice-overs.

One trend I’m noticing lately – these retrospectives are appearing sooner and sooner. It used to be you wouldn’t even think of doing a clip show before 100 episodes. Now it’s getting to where the clip show comes as a celebration of getting picked up for the back nine.

Someday I’ll have to put together a clip show of this blog. Various sentences from different posts. Wait a minute. I could say I’m doing that right NOW. Yes, welcome to my retrospective post.

From Jim:

Is there an etiquette among scriptwriters, both inside and out of the writers' room, of how to let your colleagues know that you don't get the joke, or even worse that you get it but you think that it stinks? Or does everyone else just quietly move on and let you work it out for yourself? And is there a further etiquette for when you think that you've just come up with the funniest line ever, all these other fools want to move on but you refuse to give up so easily?

Each showrunner is different of course, but I’ve always tried to be as diplomatic I can when rejecting a pitch. I’ll say stuff like, “Yeah, it’s getting there” and “it’s funny but I’m not sure it’s right.” If you really shoot the writer down you run the risk he’ll clam up and then he’s worthless to you. On the other hand, I know showrunners who rule strictly by fear. You pitch something he doesn’t like and he’ll take your head off. You might say, don’t they realize they’re only stifling creativity and shooting themselves in the foot? And I would say, yes, but they’re assholes. I’m lucky. I’ve worked for showrunners who had their quirks and I wanted to kill them but I’ve never served under one of these tyrants.

There was a showrunner who would say, “How the fuck is that funny? Explain to me how anyone is going to laugh at that.” Needless to say the writers’ testicles retreated so far up his body he needed tweezers to find them.

Comedy writers need to develop a thick skin and often times showrunners are under tremendous pressure so they may not be as gracious as you would like. But I’ve always felt one of the showrunner’s jobs was to create a safe fun environment in the room so every writer could produce his best. To me it’s a complete win-win.

As for the second part of the question, this is more than etiquette. This is pretty much a RULE.

If you pitch a joke, even if you think it's the greatest joke ever conceived, if it’s rejected the DROP IT. It makes no difference if you’re right. The fastest way to get yourself fired from a show is to belabor joke pitches. You get one shot. If it doesn’t go in then move on. Don’t pout, don’t bring it up a half hour later, don’t say “we’d be home by now if you went with my joke”. And for godsakes, if the line that did go in didn’t work on the stage DO NOT say your joke would have killed.

Jose asks:

Hey Ken, where in LA do u think most first-year TV writers, and then show runners, tend live?

Wherever they can find something reasonable. And most recently, not underwater. There’s an area of West Hollywood that’s unofficially known as “First Stop L.A.”. It’s around Melrose and La Brea. There are older apartments and small houses and duplexes. And lots of young single people. The older single people (generally they go by the nickname “divorced”) hole up in the Oakwood Garden Apartments in the valley. So avoid that.

New Los Angeles arrivees also gravitate to the Silverlake district. It’s kind of artsy and bohemian and if you don’t mind the fact that it can also be a little dangerous you might consider roosting there.  Hey, I can see Silverlake from the Great Wall!

Burbank is another haven. I’m sure some of my readers can suggest other neighborhoods for newbies.

From Paul Duca:

…And speaking of "off the top of your head", is that how you do those play by play voiceovers, or do you watch an actual game clip?

It depends. I’ve done it both ways. Usually there is no picture but I have to tailor the play-by-play to the screen because often a character will react to something on the TV so I have to time the commentary to fit. Most of the time I’ll be watching the scene while doing my spiel.

There have been times when we do see the action on the TV and then it’s a snap because I just call the play-by-play of what I see.

Sometimes I’m asked not to use actual names or teams. That’s a little trickier. It’s easy to make up names for the players (usually I just use members of the crew) but it’s hard to give the score when you can’t identify the teams. I’ll do something like “And the Good Guys lead 4-2.” Yeah, I know... pretty lame.

My favorite experience was for the show BROOKLYN BRIDGE. I got to call the 1955 World Series. I wonder if it’s too late to get a ring.

What’s your Friday question? Leave it in the comments section. 

Actors I've worked with who won't remember me

Michael Keaton is getting a lot of Oscar buzz (despite winning a Golden Globe) and I can proudly say that I’ve written for him. But not in a big movie. He did a guest spot on FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote. And it got me thinking about all the major names I’ve worked with, especially as a director – but not in the projects they’re really known for. It’s like I’m in the shadow of everyone’s career. But here’s a partial list. Ready for some name dropping?

I directed an NBC sitcom in the ‘90’s called LATELINE. Among the folks I pushed around were now-senator Al Franken, Miguel Ferrier (I can't keep up on what series he's currently on), Megyn Price (RULES OF ENGAGEMENT), Sanaa Latham, Caroline Aaron, Michael McKean, soap opera star Lisa LoCicero, Bob Elliott (from Bob & Ray), Robert Reich (of all people), and Allison Janey.

I’ve had to direct sports stars. Karl Malone (not funny), Terry Bradshaw (sort of funny), Mike Ditka (what do you think?).

This year’s Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris was directed by me… in STARK RAVING MAD. Also in that cast was Tony Shaloub. Can you imagine a better pairing?

Lots of shows come and go. I hope my directing didn’t directly contribute to their demise. But check out some of these barely remembered series with great casts. I directed three episode of Kristin Chenoweth’s sitcom KRISTIN. In addition to working with her, I had the pleasure of giving acting notes to Jon Tenney (you’ve seen him in everything Miguel Ferrier is not in), Ana Ortiz (kicked ass in UGLY BETTY), and playwright Christopher Durang (like he needed me to tell him what’s funny).

Joan Plowright is one of the finest actresses to ever grace a stage. And yet, she was directed by me. That was in ENCORE ENCORE where I also worked with the great Nathan Lane, and Glenne Headly (DICK TRACY). 

How many of you remember PEARL? It starred Rhea Perlman and I “megged” that show. In the cast were Malcolm McDowell (the guy starred in a Stanley Kubrick film), Carol Kane, and Lucy Liu (now starring in ELEMENTARY).

I never directed Leah Remini in KING OF QUEENS, but I did direct her in FIRED UP. On that show I also worked with Jonathan Banks (BREAKING BAD), Dixie Carter, Sharon Lawrence, and Mark Feuerstein. Actually, I did two shows with Mark. FIRED UP might be the most well known of the two.

But CONRAD BLOOM, which starred Mark, also featured a rather nifty cast of Linda Lavin (Broadway royalty), the late comic genius, Steve Landesberg (BARNEY MILLER), Julie Benz (murdered horribly in DEXTER), and Gilmore Girl Lauren Graham.

I also worked with Julie in ASK HARRIET. Yes, my directing resume is impressive. Willie Garson (WHITE COLLAR) also toiled in that cast. And Ed Asner guested in both of my episodes. I never got to direct him in THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, just ASK HARRIET.

On my own show, ALMOST PERFECT, in addition to the amazing cast led by Nancy Travis (I was the showrunner, they had to tolerate me), we had Lisa Edelstein (HOUSE) as a frequent and hilarious guest. I also directed her in JUST SHOOT ME. Again, these are not shows any of these people are particularly known for. Tom Verica (now in HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER) played a porn star in one episode and Katherine LaNasa (lots of hour series that didn’t last) was an occasional guest, as was Talia Balsam (Mrs. George Clooney before Amal), and comedian Steven Wright. My note to Steve was “more energy.” Actually, it was “any energy.” But damn was he funny when the cameras rolled.

BECKER provided me the chance to work with a lot of great people you didn’t know were on BECKER. Comedians Gilbert Godfried and Avery Schreiber. Among the cast members were Shawnee Smith (SAW I-XIIVI), and Jorge Garcia (found on LOST). I also got to work with Brenda Vaccaro (celebrated movie star and one-time spokesperson for Playtex Tampons), reality star and jailbird Richard Hatch, and Nicolette Sheridan (happily, I’m not involved in any of her lawsuits).

A terrific show that got no love was IT’S ALL RELATIVE. I directed a bunch of those. And what a cast. Harriet Harris, John Benjamin Hickey (at the moment in THE GOOD WIFE), Chris Sieber, and Maggie Lawson (PSYCH). I had the privilege of working with Victor Garber (who came in the day before we shot with a large difficult role and just crushed it – I love that guy).

And just as you may not remember some of these shows, I’m sure a large portion of the actors and actresses I listed above don’t remember me. Well, Al Franken does. I gave to his campaign.